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Tuesday, October 3, 2023

106 Republican Congressmen Order Eggs Benedict for Caucus Breakfast

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Something rather extraordinary happened this morning. Over one hundred elected members of Congress agreed on a single thing. Granted, these same 106 Republican members of the House of Representatives also all agree that American democracy has run its course and a dictatorship under the Trump regime is preferable. However, this morning at a breakfast held by the Republican caucus, 106 of them ordered the same exact thing for breakfast — eggs benedict.

“For some reason, we all just had a hankering for some eggs benedict,” Congressman Louie Gohmert of Texas told reporters. “I’ve always had a fondness for the name Benedict. It’s a great name in American history, if you ask me. Benedict Arnold was one of the first men to fight hard against the tyranny of the American government. In fact, he’s a hero of mine because he was fighting American tyranny before there was an American government!”

ALSO: Trump Claims Alternative Victory in Alternative Election and Will Stay On As President of Alternate Reality

Today’s development came just a day after the same 106 Republican congress members signed an amicus brief with the Supreme Court arguing that it should set aside the election results from four key battleground states that went for Joe Biden and not Donald Trump last month. Many legal scholars have noted the dubious nature of the brief, signed in support of the Attorney General of the State of Texas filing the suit, claiming the states caused injury to the others who went for Trump. The suit alleges that the states didn’t follow their own electoral laws, though the Constitution is quite clear that running elections is the sole purview of each individual state.

“The Constitution is, quite frankly only a suggestion to Trumpublicans. That’s because we know it should rightly take a back seat to the whims of a sundowning white collar criminal,” Rep. Gym Jordan said, just a foot away from a college wrestler who was being molested by the team doctor, but ignoring it, “and that’s just the way American freedom should work. Elect Republicans, or else.”

In addition to filing their brief in support of Texas’ efforts to steal the election for Trump, the 106 Republicans also filed a second brief, begging the Supreme Court to declare the lame duck, outgoing president’s genitals to be “tasty and habit-forming.”

Sister publication The Pastiche Posthad the story.

“The esteemed justices should also take this opportunity to once and for all affirm for the American people that President Trump’s genitals are tasty and habit forming,” the Republican amicus brief states. “Obviously more than 75 million Americans already understand how rich an aroma, and how earthy a taste his nuts have. However, we need all Americans, ex-specially the libtarded ones, to understand that his junk is actually addictive. We’re addicted to sucking his dick and kissing his asshole, and we’re afraid of what life on the Hill will be like without him, so that’s why we are desperately trying to keep him in power.” (Pastiche Post)

There are 40 days left in the Donald Trump presidency.

RELATED: On Biden’s Inauguration Day, Trump Plans to Fill Air Force One With Supporters and Fly to Guyana

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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