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Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Stormy Daniels To Coach Betsy DeVos Before Her Next ’60 Minutes’ Interview

BONE FERNANDO VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — In the past month, two women with close ties to President Donald Trump have appeared on the venerable, long-running television magazine show, 60 MinutesNow, word out of the Golden State is that one of the women has reached out to the other and offered help in preparation for any future interviews on the show.

In the nation’s capital, The White House confirmed that contact had been made between the two ladies.

“I can confirm that adult film star Stormy Daniels has reached out to Education Secretary Betsy DeVos and offered to help her prepare for the next time she’s on 60 Minutes,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said from the podium in the press briefing room, dunking a doughnut into a large Big Gulp cup full of molten nacho cheese. “It’s my understanding that once Secretary DeVos’s staff showed her which end of the phone goes where, that she gladly accepted Ms. Daniels’ help.”

When Ms. DeVos appeared in an interview on 60 Minutes earlier this month, many people on both sides of the aisle raised alarm bells. DeVos seemed unable to answer even the most basic questions about school performance. DeVos came to the position largely because of the tens of millions of dollars she and her family have donated to the Republican Party over the years, and she was nearly not confirmed in a Senate that is run by the GOP, having to be dragged over the line by a tie-breaking vote from Vice President High Priest Mike Pence.

“It’s no big secret that Secretary DeVos left a lot to be desired in that interview,” Huckabee Sanders said, six chocolate chip covered cheeseburgers lined up like shots on the podium, as she spoke she paused every so often to grab a burger, throw her head back and stuff it in. “So the president is quite grateful this woman, whom he has never heard of at all, not, ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-NO COLLUSION-ever-ever-ever-ever, has agreed to give Betsy some tips.”

For her part, Stormy Daniels’ 60 Minutes interview may not have contained any major bombshells about her sexual tryst with the president, but it did potentially open the door to more questions about where the money for her $130,000 hush money payoff came from. There was little doubt among pundits and commentators that Daniels comported herself much better than DeVos did, and that it was largely a successful interview for the adult film star.

“What I told Betsy is we’d start with giving her the basics — like what a school is and what it’s for — so that she can come off as even a teensy-weensy bit qualified for her job,” Daniels told reporters outside her gym this morning.

Daniels was asked if she’ll work with DeVos in other arenas of her life, such as in an adult film. Stormy scoffed heartily, choking back vomit.

“No, never. Eww. Gross. No, it’ll be just the tips, thanks,” Stormy said. “The interview tips I mean, guys, get your minds outta the gutter, sheesh.”

Reached for comment, Secretary DeVos said she at first thought the pairing was “odd and unnatural,” but the more she thought about it, the more it made sense to her.

“Everywhere I go I hear, ‘Fuck Betsy DeVos,’ so in a way I think Stormy and I have a lot in common and I can’t wait to work with her,” DeVos said in a written statement.

This story is developing.

James‘ satire can be found on this website, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, and The Pastiche Post.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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