FART-A LOT-GO, FLORIDUH — He’s been after it a long time. Friends say there’s only one thing he’s been more fixated on getting his hands on over the years, and since Ivanka won’t let him close enough to try, Donald Trump — the former, one-term, twice forever impeached President of the United States — has been downright obsessed with obtaining Barack Obama’s real birth certificate.
In a surprise turn of events, Mr. Trump just got his wish, and on former President Obama’s 60th birthday of all days.
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“Donnie! Just wanted to reach out to you, on my 60th birthday, and thank you,” Obama wrote in a handwritten letter to Trump, accompanying his birth certificate, “for always helping to make me, and every other president before and after you, look so much better by comparison. As a token of my appreciation, I decided to get you a gift.”
Obama acknowledged that it “might be kind of funny or unexpected for the birthday boy” to be giving instead of receiving gifts. He explained, however, that he didn’t think Trump would mind.
“Given that everything is all about you anyway, I have a hard time believing you’ll care all that much that I’m turning the tables and giving you a gift,” Obama wrote. “Something tells me you really like getting presents, bigly. So, I wanted to give you something of mine that’s very personal and special to me, and I wanted you to have it. I think today is the perfect day to give it to you, too.”
Former President Obama sent his birth certificate to Trump in a frame, and he asked the former D-List reality TV game show host to display it prominently somewhere in his luxury South Florida resort.
“As you can see, Donnie, I took care to have this birth certificate matted and framed in gold,” Obama told Trump, “so I know it’ll fit well with your overall aesthetic. Let me reiterate, Donnie, that this is my very real, very authentic birth certificate. The one you’ve been dying to get your hands on, and it’s all yours. I beg you to display it somewhere everyone will see it.”
Later in the afternoon, a beaming Trump was seen hanging the certificate on a wall outside his living quarters. A source close to the situation witnessed an interaction between Trump and a resort guest who happened to be walking by.
“Would you believe that? I got it! I finally friggin’ got it! Obama’s birth certificate, and I knew he wasn’t born in Hawaii,” Trump howled. “It says right here he was born in FuckMAGA. I’ve never heard of that country, but I bet you anything it’s a shit hole.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.