The House Intelligence Committee has released its highly-anticipated report, following weeks of public and closed-door hearings and testimony. The report makes the case that President Donald J. Trump abused his power in leveraging military aid and a White House meeting over a newly elected Ukrainian president for politically-motivated investigations. The report also alleges that Trump, acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, and Vice President Mike Pence participated in either the abuse of power, or the ensuing cover-up. The report also documents the White House’s repeated efforts to stymie and obstruct congressional oversight.
To date, not a single Republican in the House has joined the Democrats in their accusations of Trump’s abuse. Mostly, Trump has enjoyed undying loyalty from the Republican delegation. One notable exception is Justin Amash, who left the GOP and is now an independent.
Some have made the presumption that Republicans who continually defend Trump are doing so out of pure partisanship. It’s been suggested that congressional Republicans are lining up behind Trump out of loyalty to their party, and not the oath they swore to the Constitution. In an effort to perhaps get ahead of that narrative, the House Republicans have issued a list of the offenses documented in the Intel Committee impeachment report that they would forgive without any issue or complaint, had they been committed by either President Barack Obama, or Hillary Clinton, had American presidential elections been run like literally every other election in the world.
“We wanted to just let everyone in the country know that, despite what it looks like, we absolutely do not want to live in a fiefdom, ruled by a dictatorial reality-TV star,” Nunes told reporters at a press conference announcing the list. “So we compiled this complete list of documented abuses of power contained in the Democrats’ impeachment report that we would be just fine and dandy with Obama or God forbid Hillary Clinton doing.”
Jordan chimed in.
“Yeah, we want you all to study this list and memorize it. It proves that we’re not all about politics. It proves we’re trying to rise above the petty things Democrats are doing with their so-called attempt to so-called hold this so-called president accountable,” Jordan insisted. “We’re not ignoring anything! Who could ever seriously accuse me, of all people, of ignoring blatant evidence of wrongdoing, ever?!”
A burst of lightning reportedly hit the capitol building at the exact moment Jordan asked that rhetorical question.
“At any rate,” Jordan continued, “We think you’ll find this list quite indicative of our ability to put politics aside, and take the high road. To be the mature adults in the conversation dominated by immature chattering from Democrats.”
The following list is a complete, verbatim transcript of the document released to the media by House Republicans, under the leadership of Congressman Devin “Goat Lover” Nunes and Rep. Gym Jordan.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.