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Wednesday, January 26, 2022

NFL Approves Rule Change Forcing Anti-Vaxxer Players to Remove Their Helmets and Pads

NFL players who are anti-vaccine will be forced to strip off their pads and helmets prior to kickoff, according to a new rule change, just implemented by the league.

According to the new rule, if a player has been found to “make and/or support anti-vaccine statements and sentiments,” they will have to play without any extra protective equipment. The NFL is hoping this rule change will give players enough time to think about their choice not to vaccinate. Should they change their minds and get a vaccine, they can use their pads and helmets.

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“We have a duty and responsibility to keep all our players safe from the COVID-19 virus. It’s a dangerous, life-threatening illness, and we don’t want any of our players dying on a ventilator, choking literally to death. Unvaccinated people are far more likely to carry the virus, and therefore we are trying to do all we can to discourage anti-vaccine players from even showing up,” NFL spokesperson Kathy Beaubathy told us via Skype.

The NFL would prefer, Ms. Beaubathy informed us, for players to “just get vaccinated and stop being idiots.” However, she also said the league respects every player’s right to choose what goes in their bodies. Therefore, the NFL “straddled the line of scrimmage” and came up with a way they think will get their players to reconsider eschewing the vaccine.

“Obviously, these are players who see basic safety precautions as tyranny, so why not let them relieve themselves from living with the tyranny of helmets and pads,” Ms. Beaubathy asked rhetorically. “The choice will be simple for them — put on a helmet and pads, get vaccinated, and play, or trust your natural immunity and go tackle a 350-pound linebacker without any protection.”

The NFL Player’s Union could not be reached for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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