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Saturday, January 28, 2023

Leaked Access Hollywood Tape Shows Pepé Le Pew Insisting Women Let Him Do Anything Because He’s a Star

Pepé Le Pew is caught on a newly released tape bragging about his sexually inappropriate behavior toward a slew of women over his lifetime. This tape’s leak couldn’t come at a more precarious time for the cartoon character. Earlier this week, Le Pew’s scenes in the new “Space Jam” sequel were cut over concerns about his lifelong career of trying to coerce women into sleeping with him.

Below is a full, complete transcript of the conversation between Access Hollywood host Billy Bush and Msr. Le Pew. It’s unclear exactly when the tape was recorded, but already dozens of Republicans have come out to the skunk’s defense.

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“Cancelling someone for their lifetime of sexual assault and impropriety is just another lame, alt-left tactic and it needs to stop,” Rep. Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) said during a NewsMax interview. “We should be electing Pepé Le Pew as president, not cutting his scenes from movies like a bunch of soyboybetacucks!”

The Access Hollywood transcription, is below:

Unknown: “She used to be great, she’s still very beautiful.”

Le Pew: “I moved on her actually. You know she was down on Palm Beach. I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and fuck her, she was married.”

Unknown: “That’s huge news there.”

Le Pew: “No, no, Nancy. No this was [inaudible] and I moved on her very heavily in fact I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture. I moved on her like a bitch. I couldn’t get there and she was married. Then all-of-a-sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.”

Bush: “Your girl’s hot as shit. In the purple.”

Multiple voices: “Whoah. Yes. Whoah.”

Bush: “Yes. The Donald has scored. Whoah my man.”

Le Pew: “Look at you. You are a pussy.”

Bush: “You gotta get the thumbs up.”

Le Pew: “Maybe it’s a different one.”

Bush: “It better not be the publicist. No, it’s, it’s her.”

Le Pew: “Yeah that’s her with the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful… I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.”

Bush: “Whatever you want.”

Le Pew: “Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”

Bush: “Yeah those legs. All I can see is the legs.”

Le Pew: “It looks good.”

Bush: “Come on shorty.”

Le Pew: “Oh nice legs huh.”

Bush: “Get out of the way honey. Oh that’s good legs. Go ahead.”

Le Pew: “It’s always good if you don’t fall out of the bus. Like Ford, Gerald Ford, remember?”

[As Mr Le Pew attempts to leave the vehicle he struggles with the door]

Bush: “Down below, pull the handle.”

[Le Pew exits the bus and greets a young lady]

Le Pew: “Hello, how are you? Hi.”

Young Lady: “Hi Mr Trump. How are you?”

Le Pew: “Nice seeing you. Terrific. Terrific. You know Billy Bush?”

Bush: “Hello nice to see you. How are you doing?”

Young Lady: “I’m doing very well thank you. [Addressing Le Pew] Are you ready to be a soap star?”

Le Pew: “We’re ready. Let’s go. Make me a soap star.”

Bush: “How about a little hug for the Donald, he’s just off the bus?”

Young Lady: “Would you like a little hug darling?”

Le Pew: “Absolutely. Melania said this was okay.”

Bush: “How about a little hug for the Bushy, I just got off the bus? Here we go, here we go. Excellent.”

[Mr Bush gesticulates towards the young lady as he turns to Mr. La Pew]

Bush: “Well you’ve got a good co-star here.”

Le Pew: “Good. After you. Come on Billy, don’t be shy.”

Bush: “Soon as a beautiful woman shows up he just, he takes off. This always happens.”

Le Pew: “Get over here, Billy.”

Young Lady: “I’m sorry, come here.”

Bush: “Let the little guy in there. Come on.”

Young Lady: “Yeah, let the little guy in. How you feel now, better? I should actually be in the middle.”

Bush: “It’s hard to walk next to a guy like this.”

Young Lady: “Wait. Hold on.”

[She changes position and walks between the two men]

Bush: “Yeah you get in the middle. There we go.”

Le Pew: “Good. That’s better.”

Young Lady: “This is much better.”

Le Pew: “That’s better.”

Bush: “Now if you had to choose, honestly, between one of us. Me or the Donald, who would it be?”

Le Pew: “I don’t know, that’s tough competition.”

Young Lady: “That’s some pressure right there.”

Bush: “Seriously, you had to take one of us as a date.”

Young Lady: “I have to take the Fifth [Amendment of the US Constitution] on that one.”

Bush: “Really?”

Young Lady: “Yep. I’ll take both.”

[They reach the end of the corridor]

Le Pew: “Which way?”

Young Lady: “Make a right. Here we go.”

Bush: “Here he goes. I’m gonna leave you here. Give me my microphone.”

Le Pew: “Okay. Okay. Oh, you’re finished?”

Bush: “You’re my man. Yeah.”

Le Pew: “Oh. Good.”

MORE: Republicans Race to Make Democrat Voting Illegal by 2024



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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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