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Monday, June 5, 2023

DeVos Orders Schools to Run Active Vaper Drills

WASHINGTON, D.C. — All around the country, schools will begin to hold new drills at the request of Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. Speaking to reporters during a press conference announcing the new drills, DeVos said the Trump administration hopes these new drills “save kids’ lives in a bigly way.”

Beginning in 2020, schools will be holding “active vaper” drills. Much like earthquake and fire drills, the active vaper drills are meant to prepare children for the unlikely event that someone brings a vape pen or other vaping device to school. 

“When a child sees a person with a vape, their first instinct might be to panic, or be scared because it’s not like the person is carrying something safe like a semi-automatic rifle,” DeVos explained. “So we want every single child in our schools today to know exactly how to handle themselves, should be they confronted with someone with a deadly device…like a vape pen. And ONLY a vape pen.”

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Though there have been no recorded mass vapings at public or private schools, she says that’s a “risk no one should want to take.”

“There hasn’t been one yet, but I don’t want to be the one caught with my pants down when the first mass vaping takes place on one of our campuses,” DeVos said. “If that’s an America you want to live in, I pity you.”

Secretary DeVos said the active vaper drills are necessary because of the size of threat that vape products pose to children.

“We all know the biggest threat to the health and safety of our kids isn’t obesity, or anything else,” DeVos said, “it’s vaping. Sure, kids shouldn’t be using any adult vices. Sure, more people have died in ICE custody this year than from vaping. But ignore all that. Focus on the tone of my voice, and also look at this thing here.”

DeVos pulled out a shiny metal object on a silver chain labeled “socialism” and waved it around at the reporters.

“See this? This is socialism, and this is what the Democrats are pushing for. Focus on this, and not on the batch of pabulum I’m about to spew non stop for a few minutes,” DeVos said, flashing the socialism ball every chance she got. 

It was announced earlier this week that in the face of a rising number of reported cases of severe lung illnesses that have lead to a handful of deaths, the Trump administration would move quickly to ban flavored e-cigarette or THC vaping products. Even though cannabis, which contains THC is a banned substance, markets have opened in states that allow recreational and medical use of cannabis, and vaping products using THC have become quite prevalent. Currently, some health officials are speculating that the illnesses are caused by vaping products being cut with Vitamin E oil, which can coagulate in the lungs and cause the kinds of illnesses being reported.

“We have to act, and we have to act now. Sure, this is government overreach, and sure, we Republicans have been freaking out about government overreach for literally ever,” DeVos admitted, ” but we care about kids! We have to do this for the kids!”

DeVos said she “just can’t live” with herself knowing she didn’t prepare children for what to do in case they see someone vaping near them.

“Shelter in place, and stay safe,” DeVos summarized the DOE’s advice to kids who get caught in an active vaper situation. “We all know the rules — if you see someone vaping something, say something.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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