Alabama Republicans Hold Citizenship Ceremony for ‘Fetal Americans’

INBRED MOUNTAIN, ALABAMA — Republicans in Alabama held a special ceremony this morning that they say made every fetus currently residing in the Yellowhammer State an official resident of the state. The ceremony comes just a couple weeks after one of the country’s most restrictive abortion bans was signed into law in Alabama. 

Conservative Christian Republican members of the Alabama legislature led a mass citizenship ceremony for Fetal Americans — all the unborn fetuses, zygotes, and blastocysts throughout the state. The idea, say the organizers, was to give blanket citizenship to all unborn humans, extending the protections of the state’s constitution to them, and thereby making any procedure that terminates a human life, no matter how microscopic and undeveloped it is, outright murder.

“It’s one thing to give these Fetal Americans 14th Amendment protections, but we can’t do that until they are officially citizens, so we’re here today to declare all the fetuses gestating in Alabama  today official citizens, excluding illegal aliens of course,” said State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen.  “Their babies are hereby considered candidates for immediate catapulting back over to Mexico, where all immigrants come from.”

Thompaulsen acknowledged that the tactic “may not be completely quote-unquote legal,” but that they “aren’t afraid to bend a few rules in the name of religious self-righteousness.” Others have said that despite criticisms and accusations of hypocrisy, that being so fervently anti-abortion that one supports laws that outlaw it completely squares with their small government philosophies.

“Undoubtedly,” Rep. Thompaulsen said, “government is at its smallest when it’s up your skirt or down your trousers.”

Mr. Thompaulsen went on to point out that “laws that are based on a religious understanding of the procreation process and ignore the reality of medical viability” are “as American as you can get” because “nothing says America like blindly deciding your unprovable faith is worth robbing Americans of their own liberties for.”

State Republicans are also looking for ways to strip any funding from Planned Parenthood that they can.

“Sure, we know that Planned Parenthood’s abortion services only make up roughly 3% of their business,” Thompaulsen admitted, “but we think that millions of women should lose access to other 97% of the low-cost, vital health services they provide because, and I hope I’m not being too complicated here, Muh Dead Babies.”

Thompaulsen said that he “doesn’t give a hoot” that the overwhelming majority of abortions performed in this country are done in the first trimester when there is a very high chance of miscarriage to begin with.

“A miscarriage is only an abortion in the sense that it’s your body terminating the pregnancy before the fetus grows to full term,” Thompaulsen said, “whereas an abortion is terminating the pregnancy before the fetus grows to full term in a medical facility! If you can’t see the difference, I can’t help you.”

The celebration and excitement of mass citizenship for all Fetal Americans was short-lived, however. Just a day after the ceremony, almost 50% of the newly minted Fetal Alabamians had died from miscarriages, but Rep. Thompaulsen has sworn to investigate every single one as potential homicide.

“You just can’t know,” Thompaulsen told reporters, “whether a fetus is killed God’s way via miscarriage that can have medical complications, or Satan’s way which is using safe and sterile medical procedures and instruments to minimize damage to the mother.”

“I will not rest,” Thompaulsen said, “until I am sure that every single potential human being is born, no matter how many billions of other humans we have living today that my party is expressly against helping in any way, shape or form.  I will not sleep until I can have my head hit the pillow in full knowledge that every microscopic organism that has zero chance of surviving away from its host organism is more important in the eyes of the government than those same host organisms. Because nothing says ‘liberty’ and ‘freedom’ like telling someone how, when, and why they should fuck. Duh-doyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.