CABEZA MIERDA SPRINGS, TEXAS — Far-right shock jock Alex Jones went off on quite the rant during a recent edition of his no-award winning radio show and podcast, demanding to know why the Trump administration has refused to use anti-coronavirus chemtrails in its fight against a deadly outbreak of the disease. Since last month, thousands have been diagnosed and hundreds have died as a result of being infected with the novel coronavirus. In some countries, like Italy, day to day life has been ground to a halt. In Jones’ own home state of Texas, the South by Southwest festival has been canceled, costing the city of Austin potentially millions in lost revenue from the music and arts festival.
“This is what I don’t understand, fam, I really do not get this at all,” Jones screamed into his microphone, “Donald Trump is a better president than Barack HUSSEIN GUN GRABBING LIBTARD MUSLIM SOCIALIST Obama ever could be, right? We know this just by virtue of him being nice to our good, clean, white-skinned nationalist brethren. But if that’s the case, and surely it is, why is he holding back on the anti-coronavirus chemtrails? He could wipe out that virus in a day or two with constant flights, but he’s not! And I wanna know why the hell that is, fam!”
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Jones doesn’t only blame the Trump administration, though. He also blames the Obama administration. He explained that the “Obama regime first developed the anti-coronavirus chemtrail solution,” but that they decided instead to use the nation’s drones to deliver chemtrails that would “soften Americans’ resistance to Sharia law, socialism, and gun confiscation.” However, he said they left instructions on how to use the anti-coronavirus chemtrails for the Trump administration, so ultimately the White House has “power to do something about, but hasn’t chosen to use those powers yet.”
“Look, don’t get me wrong, fam. Fuck Obama. He should’ve been spreading those anti-coronavirus chemtrails as soon as he knew he had the power to do so,” Jones hollered, spittle flying from his mouth, “but at this point what we need to do is lobby President Trump, and lobby him hard. Maybe we get a hot woman, paint, ‘Use the Chemtrails’ on her titties, and then send her over to the Oval Office. That’ll get Don’s attention, I promise you. But he needs to be aware that the power to stop this threat is in his hands, and he just has to authorize the military’s secret chemtrail drone fleet to use it.”
Mr. Jones says he plans to seek an audience with President Trump next week to implore him to use the anti-coronavirus chemtrails ASAP.
“I still have a password that works to access the White House spycrowave network,” Jones said. “Dan Bongino got it for me the last time he went there to give Trump a blowjob, so last night? I think it was last night. Honestly, he blows Trump so much, and I do so much meth, that I can’t remember if it was last night, or if I completely made all that up. But then again, when’s the last time your old pal Alex Jones lied to you, or made something up completely out of thin air? Or pulled some lies right out of his asshole?”
Jones took a big rip from the glass dick next to him.
“Ahh. Man I love meth,” Jones said. “We’ll be right back after this word from our sponsor, a fly by night chemical company selling you bleach to drink and essential oils to smoke. Back after a bit, fam.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.