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Saturday, June 3, 2023

American Cancer Assures Public He’s Still Focused on Stopping Spread of “Chinese Virus”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The President of the United States — an American cancer in an ill-fitting suit — gave an update to the American people today on the progress his administration has made in responding to the pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, which he has taken to calling the “Chinese Virus” at every opportunity both in person and on Twitter.

Using his favorite social media platform, the carcinogen in chief promised Americans his administration “will be powerfully supporting” the airline industry and other market sectors that have been ravaged by the economic effects of the coronavirus outbreak. Notably, however, Trump decided to call the coronavirus the “Chinese Virus.” Though the coronavirus outbreak appears to have started in China, the World Health Organization and the CDC have criticized calling it the “Chinese virus,” saying it adds to stigma and hysteria, which make fighting its spread and containing it even harder.

The white supremacist cancer in the White House faced criticism from many, but just last week the CDC director told Congress he thinks it’s wrong and inappropriate” to nickname the virus by ethnic or geographical labels.

His newest reference comes days after CDC Director Robert Redfield agreed at a House hearing that it was “absolutely wrong and inappropriate” to use labels like “Chinese coronavirus,” as the virus had expanded beyond China to other parts of the world. The were roughly 3,500 confirmed cases of the illness in the U.S. as of Monday night. (NBC News)

It would appear the criticism of his rhetorical choices either has not reached the cancer in the Oval Office, because this morning he used the phrase “Chinese Virus” on Twitter again.

Some are speculating that the presidential cancerous carbuncle is using the phrase to distract both his base and the rest of the country from his handling of the pandemic crisis. Others are positing a theory that he simply doesn’t care if he comes off as a racist, anti-scientific jackass. Perhaps only time will tell whether it’s an intentional racist smear, or merely part of the tumor’s political strategy.

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“The president is committed to fighting the spread of this Chinese virus from China,” White House Press Drunk Stephanie Grisham told reporters this morning. “While it’s important to listen to the CDC’s recommendations, and practice the best personal hygiene possible, it’s also very important, the president feels, that Americans conflate China and this virus as much as possible. So that’s why I’m going to just repeat the phrase ‘Chinese virus’ at the end of every sentence now. Chinese Virus. Just like that. Chinese Virus. Does that make me racist? Chinese Virus. Who knows? Chinese virus. I’m just trying to drink myself from paycheck to paycheck. Chinese virus.”

Yesterday, President Cancer issued the strictest coronavirus-related guidelines to Americans thus far, urging them to not gather in groups of more than ten for the next fifteen days, and to limit exposure to the outside world during that time. The markets, which President Cancer has often used to bolster his argument that he’s been a good steward of the economy, has reacted to the pandemic crisis with several days of record losses. On Monday, the cancer in chief admitted the impacts of the outbreak could last several weeks, perhaps even into the late summer.

“The bottom line here is a very simple one. Chinese virus,” Grisham slurred, “our dear president is doing his best, okay? Chinese virus. It’s not his fault that ignoring the Chinese virus for so long and pretending it was a hoax didn’t seem to actually do anything except make its inevitable entry into the U.S. worse. Chinese virus. So let’s all just keep that in mind, instead of hurting our good, clean, white-skinned, Jesus lovin’ president’s feelings in these times of great upheaval, America. Chinese Virus. God bless us all. Chinese virus.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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