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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Trump Offers to Send Rakes and Paper Towels to Australia In Exchange for Its Electoral College Votes

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump sent the Prime Minister of Australia an offer that sources say he’s quite sure they won’t be able to refuse. In exchange for all of Australia’s Electoral College votes in this year’s presidential election, Trump would authorize millions of dollars in rakes and paper towels to be delivered to Australia by the U.S. armed forces. The country is currently ablaze, with wildfires raging all over the continent, burning for weeks since September.

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The death toll in Australia’s wildfires has reached 17 people, and more than 900 homes have been destroyed, according to CNN.

A total of 17 people have died nationwide, and in the state of New South Wales alone, more than 900 houses have been destroyed. State and federal authorities are struggling to contain the massive blazes, even with firefighting assistance from other countries, including the United States. (CNN)

“This morning, our dear president woke up and had an absolute stroke of genius,” senior Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters this morning. “Knowing how important every vote in the Electoral College would be to his reelection campaign, and seeing the utter devastation in Australia, he made the decision to do what he does best — make something about him and try to turn it to his advantage.”

Conway said that while Australia’s Electoral College votes are the “lynchpin” to the deal, she said that there could be other provisos added.

“Our good, clean, thin-and-white-skinned president is still trying to determine if he’ll ask Australia to investigate Joe Biden, Hunter Biden, or whoever is leading the Democratic field of candidates at the time,” Conway announced. “You know, for like, corruption or whatever? Our fine president is quite concerned with corruption, as you all know. Just one look at his record would show anyone how concerned he is with corruption. It’s why he hired so many corrupt people for his 2016 campaign who are now in jail. He cares so much about finding corruption and ending it that he employs corrupt people and surrounds himself with them. Does that make sense? Of course not. Does it have to? Ask his base.”

The rakes and paper towels sent to Australia would be made in China for a company that was formed by First Daughterlover Ivanka Trump only a few weeks ago, and was given special trademark considerations by Beijing. 

“Trump Rakes and Trump Paper Towels will be made in the same, rich tradition as Trump steaks and Trump bottled water,” Conway said. “They’ll be the Trump Taj Mahal of rakes and towels. People will be absolutely astounded how well the rakes put out fires, and how much the paper towels help to clean up the acres and acres of burnt and charred earth. Some folks might even nominate Ivanka for a Nobel Prize or something, and of course she’ll give it to Daddy because they have that kind of relationship. He’s always giving it to Ivanka in one way or another.”

It’s unclear at this time just how many Electoral College votes the president is hoping to secure from Australia, given that they are a wholly separate country and do not, per the U.S. Constitution, have any allocated to them. Conway batted questions about that topic away without much concern.

“Things change, guys. Things change. We’re pretty sure that the president can simply order Australia to be given a couple hundred Electoral College votes,” Conway said. “You know, exactly what we accused Obama of doing all those years, but, like, in reality and stuff? Besides, Attorney General Barr has made it abundantly clear that as long as the president is in office, he can do literally whatever he wants, and no cucky congress, or citizen for that matter, can do anything about it.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters that he thinks giving Australia Electoral College votes is a “stroke of genius” and that he supports anything that continues to diminish the votes of Californians and New Yorkers.

“Why should the states with more people in them have an equal voice in the government of, by, and for the people? That sounds like a whole lot of socialist nonsense to me,” McConnell explained. “Now, please excuse me. There’s a lump of coal that needs boning back in my office.”

Donald Trump is still the impeached President of the United States of America.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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