FREEDICKS, ARIZONA — The Arizona Republican Party’s alleged audit of the 2020 election isn’t complete yet, but that hasn’t stopped them from parading the people conducting the audit around right-wing media outlets, or from holding meetings in the Arizona Senate to discuss them. While it’s unclear exactly when Cyber Ninjas will finish up their business of pretending to know what they’re doing and publish their results, the Arizona GOP deputy chair, Filbert McTillerson told reporters today that the results, and all the evidence of fraud they turned up, will be hand delivered to the Supreme Court.
The evidence will be delivered by the Tooth Fairy.
“You have no idea how excited we all are to share this news with you! We weren’t sure if the Tooth Fairy would have time in her schedule to do this for us, what with all the teeth being lost all over the world,” McTillerson said excitedly today. “But when she told us she’d gotten Big Foot to cover her tooth collection duties for her, we knew things were turning our way!”
McTillerson admitted to the press today that as of yet, the audits conducted by Cyber Ninjas have “dug up evidence,” but that none of it is anything that can be presented in court.
“But only because stupid courts are all anti-Trumpers and insist that evidence be fact and not feeling-based,” McTillerson groused. “We’ll definitely have God King Emperor Reinstated President Trump look into and fix that whole situation after August 13th.”
McTillerson also announced that the audit team was adding an additional member.
“We were contacted by Dracula, you know, the vampire, the very real vampire? Anyway, he’s going to help us count the ballots again, because as we learned from Sesame Street,” McTillerson said, “vampires love to count. We look forward to seeing what Dracula brings to the table.”
The Tooth Fairy could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.