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Monday, June 5, 2023

Trump Supporter Plummets to His Death After Fauci Advises to Stay Away From Bridges on Windy Days

Oh, hello there!

Did you come here thinking you’d find yet another stunning example of sheer brilliance in the art of comedic false news stories written by the Olympian-aware talents of Yours Truly? Well, sorry. I wrote this one with a very specific audience in mind, and I’m hoping somehow, some way, the following makes it into the eyeballs of the brain dead fuckwits who run The Babylon Bee, the Christian Mega Church of Satire.

Hi Babylon Bee,

As you may or may not know, your site is utter garbage and your “satire” is pretty much just hard-right theocratic propaganda masquerading as comedy for people who laugh at Blazing Saddles for all the wrong reasons. But I wanted to just say a hearty “Hello and Fuck Your Face” with this piece because I recently saw this pile of verbal diarrhea you ran on your site:

I won’t ever link to your idiotic dog vomit of a website, so if anyone wants to find it and read it for themselves, they’ll have to seek it out. Anyway, you might be wondering if I just copied that piece for this one, and the answer to that question would be, “Of fucking course I did, and you guys are the Branch Davidians of satire.” I 100% just took your premise and flipped it for this one. It wasn’t hard to do, because I live in The Land of Fucking Reality.

See, here in The Land of Fucking Reality, we understand that data models aren’t “wrong” because science is a liberal conspiracy against your reality-TV game show host carnie of a president. We know that the numbers look better than they could have, in part, because we are doing exactly what your idiotic screed of a piece you call “comedy” is meant to make fun of. Social distancing, wearing masks, and isolating in our small familial groups kept untold thousands of people from being infected. But your piece wasn’t just stupid because it mocked the people who are actually stopping the spread, it was stupid because it was so far detached from reality, where critical thinking lives.

For starters, dipshits, you all elected the government that you claim is telling us all to stay home. It’s not just Democratic governors in blue states that are locked down. Also? Fuckfaces, Dr. Fauci was thrust into the limelight by your dipshit president. Yes, I know he’s my president too, and that’s what made permanently impeaching the wheezing fuckhorn all the better, but just stay focused, asscrowns, we’re talking about your bullshit “satire.” Now that we’ve established your short sighted hypocrisy, let’s dive right into the meat and potatoes of what makes your shit so wrong-tastic.

We’re not staying in because MUH GOVERNMENT is telling us to. We’re staying in because people smarter than the pencil-dicked, misogynistic derp canoes of the Babylon Bee told us we can do our part to protect people who are vulnerable if we do so. It’s funny, but I remember a time in our country’s past when it was actually “pro-life” to do things that preserved…what’s the word?

Some of us actually do more than climb on a cross to shed fake tears over unborn, underdeveloped embryos. Some of us put our superior ethics and morals on display with acts of sacrifice, such as sheltering in place, wearing face masks, and not being little cunts about not getting a haircut in a couple months. I know that’s probably where your confusion stems from, seeing the principles you pretend to care about put on display, and all, so I’ll understand if you have to hate-masturbate to this piece later.

It gets better.

Anyhow, when people take the time to dedicate their short time on this planet to learn anything, they become subject matter experts. You might have seen a cool YouTube video once, but that doesn’t mean you know literally fuck-all. In fact, me listening to Fauci and others doesn’t mean I know fuck-all personally. It means I know enough to know I don’t know everything and should listen to the people who have the best statistical chance of giving me helpful, correct information.

Your site is trash. Your comedy is weak and detached from the world the majority of us live in. Your premise deserved to get stolen, made better, and then publicly mocked, and I invite you all to prove what a libtard I am by licking a dozen coronavirus test swabs from the Tesla factory. 

Fuck all your faces,


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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