WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a truly shocking and unforeseen chain of events, dozens of criminals apprehended by Mystery Incorporated, an independent private investigation firm run by the world’s foremost canine detective, have been officially exonerated by Attorney General William Barr. Department of Justice guidelines state that Barr can exonerate, but not commute or terminate, the sentences of almost a hundred different people convicted of committing various crimes, who were all arrested following the work of Mystery Inc.’s Scott “Scooby” Doo, Norville “Shaggy” Rogers, Velma Dinkley, Fred Jones, and Daphne Blake.
“Like, ZOINKS man! I told Scoobs that maybe we should be better about crossing our T’s and dotting our I’s, but I didn’t think we committed any constitutional violations in any of our investigations,” Shaggy told us via Skype. “Then again, at the height of our hey day, we were making lots of dough and spending a lot of it on Scooby Snacks, so my memory’s definitely gotten a little fuzzy over time.”
More: Trump Condemns Antifa Propaganda Like “Saving Private Ryan,” “Inglourious Basterds,” and “Indiana Jones”
Barr, at a press conference in front of the Department of Justice, announced that it was his judgment that all of the underlying evidence collected by Scooby and the gang had to be immediately redacted. Barr admitted that from an outsider’s point of view, it might look like he’s sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. He offered no apologies for that, but instead a short, business-like reasoning.
“The American rubes — excuse me, public — should be used to how Bill Barr rolls by now,” Attorney General Barr said. “I want to know who authorized these investigations? We need to investigate the investigators!”
Since 1969, Scooby and the gang have worked as private investigators, attempting to solve mysteries that often involve the spooky and supernatural. Having taken the Elixir of Life at a company picnic in 1972, Scoobs, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Fred haven’t aged a day in that time, but have managed to rack up and impressive string of successfully closed investigations. All of them resulted in the perpetrator being apprehended, or at least that’s what everyone assumed before Barr’s announcement today.
“Call me crazy, but I want to live in a country where even a ragtag team of hipsters and their talking dog have to follow the law when investigating crimes,” Barr said. “I simply want to know under whose authority and under what pretenses all those darn kids started snoopin’ around.”
Attorney General Barr says he finds it “highly suspicious” that so many of Mystery Inc.’s arrested suspects used a very similar scheme to try and fool authorities.
“Also? Why were so many of the people they caught just wearing rubber masks of other people? Does that really work,” Barr asked. “No, really, President Trump wanted me to ask you guys. Does that work? You know, just in case someone we all know needs to skip town or the country or whatever?”
As ever, Barr said that any and all information he used to inform his judgment “cannot and will not ever” be seen by the public in an unredacted format.
“No you can’t see it. Why would you want to see it? It exonerates them. You can trust me. If I know anything, it’s when someone’s been exonerated, and buddy, let me tell you,” Barr said, “they’re all exonerated.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.