WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation’s top doctors aren’t sure anything can be done from a medical standpoint to remove the foot of House Democrat counsel Barry Berke’s foot from the rectal cavity of Corey Lewandowski former Trump campaign manager and winner of 2017’s Servile Lying Fascist Toady Award. Lewandowski was rushed to a capital area hospital, where it was confirmed that thirty minutes of unrelenting, professional, penetrating cross-examination of Lewandowski by Berke during a House Judiciary Committee hearing made it so much easier for Berke’s foot to get itself lodged so firmly in Lewandowski’s anus.
“Poor Corey was probably lulled into a sense of security by the preceding five or so hours of testimony,” Dr. Bunson Hornaydieux of St. Mary’s Hosptial told reporters at an early morning press conference, “and that probably had Corey feeling like his butt hole was safe. But let me assure you, thorough and complete, public ass kickings like this one always have the potential for someone’s bootheel or wingtip to get stuck in someone else’s colon. It’s scientificish fact.”
After several hours of grilling from House Democrats and light, open mic comedy routines from the Republicans on the committee, Lewandowski was then forced to face questioning from Berke, who is an attorney brought on by the Dems specifically to question witnesses in proceedings related to an impeachment inquiry against President Donald Trump. Democrats feel certain the Mueller Report provides a map to impeachment along very Nixonian lines — abuse of power and obstructing Congressional oversight — and the report details at great length that Lewandowski had a role to play in at least one, key alleged act of obstruction.
Berke’s foot got lodged in Lewandowski’s rectum when he got Lewandowski to confidently admit to lying on national TV. In a moment of riveting action, Lewandowski finally broke down and admitted he lied to Chuck Todd on NBC’s “Meet the Press” because he doesn’t feel he has to tell the truth to the media. Instead, he said he only tells the truth under oath. However, Berke and the Democrats were able to establish that Lewandowski’s own testimony that day, under oath, had holes in it.
“At this time, we’re not sure if Mr. Berke’s foot can ever be removed from Mr. Lewandowski’s corn hole,” Dr. Hornaydieux announced. “This is going to be a very dicey procedure. It turns out, Trump also stuffed his tax returns up there. Apparently, Corey wasn’t lying when he said he’d do anything for this man. Seems kind of, what’s the word I’m looking for, beta cuck-ish to me, but what do I know? I’m just a doctor.”
Mr. Berke’s demeanor and performance yesterday also contributed to how far his foot was able to travel up Lewandowski’s backside, Dr. Hornaydieux said.
“He was so focused and assured of himself. He didn’t let Lewandowski throw him off his game, and just stuck to the facts,” Hornaydieux said. “Nothing is more dangerous or toxic to Trump or his henchmen than facts, truth, logic, and reality. It’s like if Lex Luthor and his goons were the ones affected by Kryptonite.”
Dr. Hornaydieux said that while he and his team were working on extracting Berke’s foot, they confirmed that Lewandowski suffers from a rare disease that inflicts roughly three out of every ten Americans at present.
“Mr. Lewandowski has the worst case of chronic Trumpidity I’ve ever seen,” Hornaydieux explained. “It’s a condition whereby a parasite enters their brain, gnaws at the brain cells, and then warps and distorts to them to the point that your five senses completely deteriorate and fail on you, leaving you to hear things like Mexico is still paying for this giant wall that’s totally being built. Or it’ll make you see, say, a septuagenarian white collar criminal with a lifelong history of fraud, lies, and ducking consequences but your eyes interpret that as an American hero and great president.”
Hornaydieux paused a moment, thinking.
“So, it’s kind of like smoking crack while your head is up the ass of a bull with diarrhea,” Hornaydieux said, “you know, medically speaking, or whatever.”
Even if they can get Berke’s foot out of Lewandowski’s anus, there’s one more challenge facing Hornaydieux’s team.
“Let’s say we get Berke’s foot out of there, though. We’d still have to figure out how to pull Trump’s dong out of the other end,” Hornaydieux said, “but my team is the best in the country, and if anyone can get one man’s foot out of his ass while we get another man’s wang out of his mouth, it’s us.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”