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Thursday, June 1, 2023

President Says Benedict Arnold’s Meetings With the British Were ‘Perfect’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whether or not he ends up being impeached, there can be no denying that President Donald J. Trump is a man who blazes his own path, and marches to the beat of his own dumber. Nothing shows his steadfast commitment to doing his own thing and taking the road less travelled than his relationship with the definitions of common English words. For example, Mr. Trump has his very own unique and special definition of the word “perfect.”

Many times, the Commander in Chief has referred to actions he’s taken as “perfect.” For instance, he’s labeled the call he had with the Ukrainian president, in which he pressured a foreign government to dig up dirt on Joe Biden, his political rival. While some would choose a different adjective than “perfect” for this behavior, such as “impeachable,” or “offensive,” or “gross abuse of his powers,” Trump has stuck to his guns and repeatedly called his call “perfect.”

“This president is bold. This president is brave. This president uses his completely normal sized hands to guide this country off a cliff and into the abyss better than anyone could have ever imagined,” White House chief racism adviser Stephen Miller told reporters today. “Part of his boldness, an essential element to his courage, is the willingness to redefine words to avoid accountability. It’s why we call him the Stable Genius Lord God Emperor around these parts, frankly.”

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This morning, President Trump was meandering around the White House south lawn, “letting the farts out” as he put it to reporters. Apparently, ever since Sarah Huckabee Sanders returned to her home barn, Trump has been lacking someone to blame his non-stop farting on. Huckabee Sanders would “take it like a beaten dog” every time he blamed a fart on her, Trump divulged. Mr. Trump was asked about the call that has ignited his potential impeachment.

Trump waved off concerns and compared the call to another time in American history.

“My call with President Ukraine was perfect. Do you hear me? Perfect,” Trump repeated himself. “It was, honestly, the most perfect thing in American history. More perfect than the shots fired by Lee’s grand army at Fort Sumter. It was more perfect than Manifest Destiny, and even more perfect than General Custer’s last stand! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it was just about as perfect as that Benedict Arnold fellow’s meeting with the Brits during the Revolutionary War.”

The president continued to list things that were “perfect” in his estimation.

“How about the perfect Vietnam War? I mean, I hear it was perfect,” Trump said, “You know…bone spurs and all. And then there’s the perfect presidency of a personal hero of mine, Richard Nixon. You know, I remember telling Stephen Miller one day that I wanted to be known as the second greatest Dick to be president, but I have a feeling I might be the biggest one, bigger than Dick Nixon, when it’s all said and done.”

President Trump wasn’t done labeling things as perfect.

“Oh my Jesus! Speaking of perfect wars, can anyone forget the perfect Iraq War,” Trump asked rhetorically. “So perfect, that one. It’s almost as perfect as the Great Depression was! Frankly, I can’t figure out why liberals complain so much about this country. Literally everything we’ve ever done has been exactly perfect!”

Then, Trump thought for a moment and farted loudly again.

“Oh wait! Not everything has been perfect,” Trump said. “There was the previous black administration. Oh boy. That was not perfect. Tan suits? WOAH. Mustard on hamburgers? What kind of un-American, imperfect bullshit is that? But, well, the American people can rest easy and be happy knowing they have another perfect man in the Oval Office working hard to keep being absolutely, positively, totally perfect.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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