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Tuesday, October 3, 2023

Bernie Sanders to Send What’s Left of His Vocal Cords to Presidential Election Hall of Fame

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont will not be the Democratic Party’s nominee this November, but that doesn’t mean a part of him won’t be remembered forever, literally. That’s because his campaign confirmed this morning that the Presidential Election Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C. This week, Sanders suspended his second presidential campaign in as many elections, both times much to the disappointment of millions of online supporters who, for whatever reason, didn’t quite seem able to make it out the polls in the same numbers to vote for him. 

The Presidential Election Hall of Fame, located in the nation’s capital for 325 years, houses historical artifacts from nearly every presidential contest. The Hall of Fame’s welcome pamphlet boasts is the “nation’s largest stockpile of old, white men’s things outside WalMart’s warehouse.” The Sanders 2020 campaign confirmed this morning that not long after Mr. Sanders announced he was suspending his campaign, the Hall of Fame contacted them, seeking access to the longtime politician’s vocal cords.

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“One of Senator Bernie Sanders’ most famous and powerful tools at his disposal has always been his vocal cords,” Sherry Lee, the Hall’s Deputy Media Contact, told us in a Skype call. “Let’s face it, the man could whisper and you’d hear him an ocean away. Those vocal cords have spoken before hundreds of thousands of Americans over the last four years when it’s all added up. It would be an honor for us to be able to put them proudly on display.”

Reportedly, senator Senators is “quite interested” in the idea of having his vocal cords put on display in the hall of fame. According to sources close to him, he does have a couple of concerns. Firstly, he wants all proceeds from admission to see his vocal cords donated to charities that help working class families. The second concern, however, is where Sanders even has enough of his vocal cords left to donate.

“To say Senator Sanders speaks loudly would be like saying Joe Exotic has a hard time figuring out who would be straight without drugs and tigers being involved,” Lee explained. “His campaign told us that because he speaks so much, for so long, at such high volumes, his doctors have been telling him for years they’re not quite sure how much vocal cord material he has left.”

Ms. Lee said, though, that the Sanders campaign thinks there could be “something related to Bernie’s vocal cords” that the hall could induct instead. She believes that it’s “not quite as good” as having his vocal cords. However, Lee admits “sometimes you gotta take what you can get.”

“They told us that if the senator can’t find enough of his vocal cords to donate without losing the ability to speak altogether,” Lee said, “we can have as much of his phlegm as we want. If you’ve listened to Senator Sanders give a speech before, you know that we could be talking about gallons of throat goop. Our only decision there would be how much phlegm we’d ask for, and how, exactly we’d display it. If we get enough, we were thinking about having an interactive exhibit where people can play with a little bit of it, or maybe even put some in their own mouths and see how they’d sound when they were pointing out what a broken, piece of shit, greedy, fucked-up, materialistic, profit-over-people system we have for so-called economy.”

Sanders may be exiting the election stage, but he’ll leave with quite a few things to be proud of. His campaign won the largest progressive state in the nation’s primary, in California. Sanders also won the first three primaries of the season, a feat no other candidate had accomplished before he did. 

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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