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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Betsy DeVos Doesn’t Celebrate Cinco de Mayo Because She’s ‘More of a Miracle Whip Gal’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Several members of Donald Trump’s presidential crime syndicate attended a Cinco de Mayo luncheon catered by Taco Bell today at the White House, but Education Secretary Betsy DeVos was not among them. Ms. DeVos was spotted outside a D.C. area grocery store as she headed in to do some shopping, and she was asked why she did not attend the Cinco de Mayo luncheon at the White House.

“You know, I thinked long and hard about it, but at the end of the day, I’m more of a Miracle Whip gal,” DeVos told reporters. “So, you know, I think a lunch with a lot of stuff covered in mayo would just be kinda unappetizing to me.”

Secretary DeVos explained that she “has nothing personally against” mayo or the people who use it.

“Mike Pence says it’s the right amount of spicy for him,” DeVoS said. “And Stephen Miller uses it for lube when he goes out on the prowl looking for a possum to mate with. But for me, personally, I prefer the tangy zip of Miracle Whip!”

DeVos said she asked President Trump if the menu could be altered to suit her palette, but he said the catering order had already been placed.

“When the president tolded me it was too late to change the order, that was a done deal. I don’t like mayo, so I don’t want to eated it, okay,” DeVos asked incredulously. “I will be at the next luncheon, as long as they provide me with a condiment I like to put on my food.”

That made DeVos think of something.

“Speaking of condiments, I would like to announce that the Department of Education is going to abolish any sexual education that teaches how to use condiments for safe sex,” Sec. DeVos said. “Because we all know that the only way to truly prevent pregnancy and STDs is with total asbestos!” 

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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