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Thursday, September 28, 2023

Betsy Devos: “Some People Are Too Poor to Know When It’s Safe to Send Their Kids to School”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Education Secretary Betsy Devos told members of the educational community on a conference call from the White House this morning that she believes some people are simply “too poor” to know if they should send their kids back to school this fall.

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Speaking to various union leaders and administrators, Devos said she believes it’s “absolutely vital to the president’s reelection chances” that parents send their kids back to schools this fall, with or without a COVID-19 vaccine. Schools across the country ended their 2019-2020 school years early in the face of the global pandemic outbreak, and the Trump administration has been pushing to get children back in school, knowing how important it is for parents to have the few hours a day of childcare that allows them to work.

“President Trump is entitled to a second term, and the best chance he had to get what he deserves was with a strong, booming economy,” Sec. Devos said this morning. “The whole reason he took credit for Obama’s work was so that he could get his second term. It’s highly unfair, really, to take that chance away from him, and the virus is threatening to do exactly that.”

Devos says she’s concerned that if “parents listen to so-called experts just because they have so-called years of so-called experience and education” and keep their kids from going back to school, it might mean they lose their job, or have a reduction in hours. That could have “serious consequences,” Devos warned.

“What’s going to happen if a bunch of dirty plebs don’t send their grubby little kids to school? I don’t think we live in America anymore if people feel like their kids’ health is more important than our Dear President’s ego,” Devos suggested. “I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel this way, either!”

Devos told those on the call that she doesn’t believe a global pandemic changes much.

“With or without a pandemic, when have we ever trusted poor people to make their own decisions,” Devos asked breathlessly. “It just seems so dangerous to ask poor people for their input and opinions.”

White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick echoed Devos’ sentiments at a press conference today.

“Before I read from my binder full of actual, totally legit crimes perpetrated by you, the so-called free press, I just wanted to say that the president agrees with Secretary Devos,” McDitzydick said. “Poor people’s judgment is already very suspect. If people can’t make good enough decisions to be born rich, or even become rich over their lifetimes, can we really trust that they know when to send their children back to school? Gotcha, libs! BOO YAH!”

McDitzydick scampered away as reporters shouted questions at her.

“Quite frankly, I think the White House is completely on-point here,” Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Rectum) told reporters. “Trusting poor people isn’t something the founders did when they created this great nation of ours. In fact, they were wise enough to see that only rich people should even have a vote in the first place. And I ask you all this, if the founders didn’t trust poor people, why should we?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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