55.1 F
Los Angeles
Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Biden Campaign Worried They Might Not Win the ‘Injects Self With Bleach’ Vote

It was a voting bloc that until this year’s election cycle was largely ignored, though it’s possible it was ignored because it might not have have existed until now. According to several sources close to the Biden campaign, though, that doesn’t mean they aren’t busily scrambling to identify ways to bring that group of people into a tent already wide enough to include several prominent, disgruntled former Republican consultants and campaign managers.

MORE: Trump Wants USPS to Charge Democrats $200 a Stamp Until November 4th

“During our most recent strategy meeting, Vice President Biden made it clear he doesn’t want us writing off any group of American voters,” one source close to the situation divulged to us. “That includes the stupid ones. So we quickly determined that there were some groups out there we were maybe leaving on the table, and one them was bleach injectors, or bleachers, or bleach truthers, as they’re also known.”

Earlier this year, President Trump stunned the globe when he seemingly inferred that medical researchers should devote some time looking into whether household disinfectants could be used to treat COVID-19. The ongoing pandemic outbreak of the disease has forced millions onto unemployment and all but tanked the economy Trump was hoping to make a large part of his 2020 re-election push. While experts and most of the carbon-based, still breathing, human adult population on Earth roundly rejected the president’s proposal, Biden reportedly doesn’t want to get himself into a “Hillary 2016 kinda thing.”

“He specifically told us, ‘Hey, Jack, I don’t want you guys doing a Hillary 2016 kinda thing and forgettin’ we’re trying to bring this whole damn country together,'” our source said. “So he said to go out there and figure out how we can woo the kind of people who would actually take the president’s advice. By our math, there could be literally millions of them out there.”

As we reported earlier this year, the idea of injecting yourself with bleach to cure of stave off COVID-19 got so widespread in pro-Trump circles that the president’s own son had to be talked out of injecting himself with Clorox wipes.

“Guys! Guys! Look what I got my hands on! It’s some of Diddums’ Miracle Elixir,” Eric shouted excitedly. “I’m gonna shoot myself up with it and own the libs! Then, I’ll be ‘rona free and I’ll have proof-en once and for all how much smarter we Trumps are than anybody else!”

The president, attending the Zoom call from his bed in the White House, put his palm up to his face. President Trump, exasperated by his son, pleaded with his daughter Ivanka to “speak to Eric, please.” Trump implored Ivanka to help her brother understand why he couldn’t and shouldn’t inject himself with Lysol wipes.

“Of course Daddy! Anything for you daddy,” Ivanka said.

The president patted his daughter on the head. (AltFacts)

In the wake of his suggestion, there were some published reports that some of President Trump’s supporters did, in fact, put themselves in the hospital after injecting disinfectants. The Biden campaign source we relied on for this report tells us those people have been identified and offered positions in a special phone banking operation.

“We plan to call the people the bleachers tell us to call, really,” our source admitted. “Because they’d know best who else was devoted to Trump enough to risk their lives like that. This could be a really big moment for the election if we can pull this off.”

RELATED: Pence Already Backed Out of Debating With Harris, Because He Can’t Be On Stage With a Woman Who Isn’t His Wife

Like what you read? Consider becoming a paid Facebook subscriber, signing up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Sign up for our email newsletter and get an email blast with all our new stories each week!

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Latest news
Related news


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.



Popular categories