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Monday, June 5, 2023

Biden Cancels White House’s Adderall Subscription from Amazon Prime

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though he doesn’t officially take over as president until January 20th, 2021, there are some low level presidential online shopping accounts that incoming President Joe Biden already has access to, thanks to an obscure 2010 act passed while Barack Obama was in office and had a supermajority in both congressional bodies. One such account is the official White House Amazon Prime account, which Biden got to take over once the Electoral College certified his win back on December 14th of last year.

Biden has already made use of his access to the account, according to several sources with knowledge of the situation.

MORE: Trump Pressured Raffensperger to Help Him Find 15 More States to Count Votes From

“The first thing the president-elect did was to put a stop on the Prime delivery subscription set up for adderall, every week,” White House logistics coordinator Susan Miller told reporters today. “It’s standard procedure for the incoming president to want to have things setup the way he wants them, and Mr. Biden has indicated he’ll have no need for a thousand doses of adderall a week, like the current occupant enjoys.”

In addition to ending the weekly subscription for a thousand adderall doses, Biden has also put a stop to a few more Prime deliveries that the outgoing president had started during his one and only term in office.

“President-elect Biden isn’t sure how Donald Trump had time to read one porno mag while in office, let alone fifteen each month,” Miller explained, “and the ones that are strictly devoted to one Trump daughter in particular were extraordinarily grody for Mr. Biden to see. President-elect Biden had no idea that President Trump started quite so many nudie magazines about Ivanka, but he’s not here to kink shame. Just end unnecessary Amazon Prime delivery subscriptions.”

In Congress, Biden’s decision has been pilloried by Trump-loyal Republicans.

“This is an outrageous assault on America and American values,” Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Fuckwitistan) told reporters. “Mr. Biden should respect his predecessor and stockpile the drugs if he has to. The very least he can do is send President Trump a care package with a couple dozen bottles every so often. You know, as a sort of thanks for deciding to let the election stand, even when by all rights Trump could have simply stomped his feet and refused to move.”

President-elect Biden and Vice President-elect Kamala Harris will assume power on January 20th, 2021 at 12:00pm Eastern Time.

RELATED: After Biden is Sworn In, Trump Will Be The 45th Most Intelligent Former President Ever


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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