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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Biden Cancels White House Subscription to Ivanka’s OnlyFans

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In about a week, First Lady Ivanka Trump is going to need to find herself a new job, because she won’t be working for her daddy’s government any longer. Now, thanks to a move made by the incoming Biden administration, her financial situation might be worse yet still.

“This morning, the White House Office of Spending Shit sent an email to the administration staff of OnlyFans, requesting to have the monthly subscription for Ivanka Trump’s account to be canceled,” a Biden transition team email stated. “While we are confident the outgoing, lame duck, one-term, permanently impeached president believes that his First Lady-Daughter’s naked body is a sight to behold, President-elect Biden doesn’t think the American people should pay for her dad to see her naked after January 20th.”

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It’s unclear exactly when the White House began paying for a subscription to Ivanka Trump’s OnlyFans account. However, at the time of publication, she only has one follower, which is the White House. The Biden team’s email states that they are not passing any value judgments on Ivanka for opening the account and “looking to make a few extra bucks,” the incoming president simply does not have any use for the subscription.

“We do wish Ivanka all the very best. It must be a very scary and anxious time for the First Lady,” the email reads, “and we wish her the very best of luck as she prepares to sleep her way to the top of the Trump organization once more.”

Outgoing President Trump, while boarding a helicopter for a ride to McDonald’s for a Happy Meal and milkshake, lashed out at Biden for “hurting so rudely and viciously” his daughter and lover. Trump claimed Biden canceling the White House subscription to Ivanka’s OnlyFans is “just one more vicious act in the longest running witch hunt in political history.” Trump lamented that his daughter “might have to work for a living for once,” and said he’ll “hold Sleepy PoPeepy Biden accountable” for that for the rest of his life.

“I think this is very rude. Very rude indeed. He’s just jealous, frankly, of my hot-as-fuck daughter,” Trump shouted while he boarded Marine One. “He’s always been jealous of how hot my daughter is. I bet he’s never even been TEMPTED to bang his own daughter! So maybe you all should be asking him why he’s such a petty, jealous loser, and I will make Sleepy Joe pay for this transgression against my beautiful daughter Ivanka!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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