WASHINGTON, D.C. — Stretching back several decades, the sitting U.S. President has pardoned at least one turkey before the Thanksgiving holiday. Although President Biden will continue that tradition this year, one American is especially disappointed about who the lucky turkey, or turkeys, will be this year.
“I sent a letter to the White House a week ago, because I looked at the thingy that has the month and day number symbols on it, a colander I think it’s called? Anyway, I saw that Thanksgiving is coming up,” accused January 6th insurrectionist Cletus Von Grayvee told us via Skype last night.
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“The way I figured it, if the president can pardon a turkey, he can certainly pardon a good, clean, upstanding, ammo hoarding, melanin-free American, whose only real crime is a little tiny violent attack on democracy. I mean, we all know Biden ain’t even s’posed to be the ones dolin’ out the pardons in the first place, on account of the sixteen trillion illegal votes the ghost of Hugo Chavez rammed through on Dominion voting machines, but I figured why not give it a shot and ask ol’ Sleepy Go-Geepy to pardon me.”
It took a few days, but eventually Cletus and his lawyer got a response from Biden. The letter they received, however, while polite and professional, did not contain any good news for Mr. Von Grayvee.
“Dear Mr. Von Grayvee, I regret to inform you that while I am allowed to pardon a turkey ceremoniously, I do not have any such powers when it comes to pardoning lemmings,” Cletus read Biden’s letter to us.
“The same goes for sheep and zombies, I’m afraid. Sometimes in life, we have to learn harsh lessons. One such lesson is the great parable I believe Jesus spoke about during his Sermon on the Mount. Namely, the idea of ‘Fuck Around, Find Out,’ or as it’s also known, ‘Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes.’ You sir, fucked around and played stupid games, only to find out you have won a stupid prize. Happy Thanksgiving!”
Mr. Von Grayvee’s trial is set to begin in two weeks.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.