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Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Biden Pledges to Name Military Base Latrines After Trump Loyalists

Former Vice-President Joe Biden has announced that should he win the election this fall, he pledges to rename military base latrines after President Donald Trump and his most loyal supporters.

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The issue of military base names has come to the fore in recent weeks as the nation continues to grapple with the remnants of centuries of legalized slavery. After the Civil War, some military bases ended up being named for confederate generals. This could seem illogical, given that the very same people that the base names are meant to honor fought against the armed forces that the bases themselves are a part of. However, President Trump and his surrogates have begun to push back quite forcefully on the notion of changing base names.

During a recent news briefing at the White House, Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick explained that the admnistration doesn’t think the bases are named to honor those who they’re named after. Instead, she insisted that the bases honor the people who were trained there and served the country. President Trump has become a vocal opponent of removing confederate statues, despite being the heir to President Abraham Lincoln’s Republican legacy, and the confederates considering Lincoln to be a tyrannical enemy of freedom.

“Listen here, Jack,” Biden told a man named Kevin who asked him a question about the military base names at a campaign stop in Ohio today, “when I’m president, no more confederate base names. That’s poppycock! It’s absurd malarkey. Quite frankly, it’s crapola.”

Biden, though, is running at least partly on a message of unifying the country, and to that end, he also said that he would be willing to “extend an olive branch” to Trump supporters by naming the toilet facilities in every U.S. military base after President Trump, Vice President Pence, and various key cabinet members and administration officials.

“I think everyone’s had some kind of fantasy of pissing in Donald Trump’s face,” former Vice President Biden, known for his candor, told a young single mother who was taking her lunch break at the restaurant the campaign stop was being held at, “and the Secret Service would never allow that. It’s also not fair to ask everyone to wait until he’s dead and buried to shit on his chest.”

Biden winked and gave a thumbs up to a camera positioned six feet away before continuing. The woman was also six feet away from Biden, and the pair were standing outside of the restaurant. Both Biden and the woman were wearing masks, which eyewitnesses say made pro-MAGA passersby literally explode upon seeing.

“So, it’s gotta be metaphorical, Jack,” Biden told the woman. “It’s just gotta be! So when we think of places where we go wee-wee or poo-poo, you think of toilets, and on military bases they happen to call them ‘latrines.’ I know that. I’ve been around the military quite a bit in my extensive career, pal, and don’t you forget it!”

The former vice-president stopped to take a drink of water from a bottle handed to him by an aide.

“I’m gonna name the latrines after Trump and his cronies, Jack,” Biden half-yelled at the woman. “That way any time one of our brave young soldiers takes a tinkle or a stink loafer, they’ll be doing it, sorta, on Donald Trump, or Kellyanne Conway, or Barbie McDitzydick or whatever his Press Seretary of the month is called.”

Upon hearing of Biden’s plan, President Trump reportedly called Attorney General Barr and asked “how concrete that whole election thingamajig is.”

“Concrete, sir,” Barr reportedly asked. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean by concrete.”

Trump sighed, audibly annoyed.

“You know, Billy,” Trump said in exasperation, “like, do we have to do it? Can’t I, like, just say I don’t think it’s in the best interests of America to let Americans have an election this time, or pretty much while I’m still alive? Isn’t that, maybe, part of your whole unitary presidential power thing, or whatever you call it, what do I know? I’m just a guy, that’s all.”

Barr sighed.

“Mr. President, we’ve been over this. No, it’s not possible,” Barr explained once more, “but as soon as I figure out how we’re gonna do it anyway, I will let you know. Now, please, sir, give the First Lady a kiss, and go back to bed, we’ll figure this out in the morning.”

The president thanked Barr for his counsel, and hung up. He turned to his First Lady.

“C’mere Vanky baby,” Trump said with excitement returning to his voice, “Bill Barr says you HAVE to kiss it goodnight. Again.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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