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Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Biden Promises He’ll Hold a Big Ceremony to Hang Trump’s Presidential Mugshot

WEST HAMPTON, OHIO — This morning, Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden made a campaign stop in a sleepy Ohio town, holding a very small gathering at a local diner. During his prepared remarks, Biden spoke about a “need to get back civility” in America. One way he said he’d make an attempt at “reaching across the aisle even when you might not want to,” would be to reverse course on a new tradition started by President Donald Trump.

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“Now, for many presidential administrations, no matter who was in office before, the president would preside over a ceremony when their predecessor’s portrait was unveiled,” Biden explained, “and Donald decided he didn’t want to hang up President Obama’s portrait in the White House. So, he stamped his little cloven feet and crossed his gelatinous arms, and refused to put Barack’s portrait up. Well, Jack, let me tell you, we’re gonna back to the basics of civility in my administration.”

So, Biden promised that, if elected, he would “absolutely hold a big ol’ celebration” when it came time to hang a picture of Trump in the White House.

“When we put Donald’s portrait up there, we’ll have ourselves a nice celebration,” Biden promised. “Just as soon as his mugshot is published, we’ll take it to the Kinko’s just down the street from the White House — I remember where it is because, you know, I used to go there a lot — and have it blown up, huge, into a nice portrait size, and we’ll hang it where all presidential mugshots go — the bathroom.”

It’s no secret that President Trump enjoys having things named after him. When he can’t convince someone to bestow such an honor on himself, he will put his own name on buildings he owns. Last year, we reported that the City of New York was considering a petition to honor him by naming a landfill after Trump, though those plans never came to fruition.

“We have over three million signatures so far, and we’ve only been passing this petition around for a few hours, really,” New York resident Katie Williamson told us today in a Skype interview. “That means so far three-quarters of New Yorkers want to rename one of our landfills as the Donald Trump Dump. It’s hard to get New Yorkers to agree on what color the sky is, much less come together to put three million signatures on a piece of paper agreeing to rename something in the city. But that just shows you how much this city hates one of its most famous residents, doesn’t it?” (AltFacts)

Reportedly, President Trump was quite angry when he heard of Biden’s plans.

“That is a horrible, mean, nasty thing to say. Of course a total asshole fuckface criminal terrorist Antifa loving Pelosi Squad AOC-er would say such mean things,” Trump told reporters as he boarded Air Force One this morning. “He’s a Democrat, though, so he took time off killing babies and canceling your beautiful Second Amendment to say those nasty things about me. So I hope the American people remember how mean, nasty, and rude Joe was to me in a couple weeks when they vote for me…and ONLY me.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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