Former Vice President Joe Biden announced today that if he wins the election this fall, he will “put petty partisan politics aside” and participate in an unveiling ceremony of current President Donald J. Trump’s official presidential portrait.
“I’ve been running on a message of restoring dignity and grace to the White House. Unveiling President Trump’s portrait, unlike he did for Barack’s, would be a step in that direction,” Biden explained, “and we’ve already found the absolute perfect place to put Trump’s portrait, if I win in November — a landfill about a mile and a half from the White House.”
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This week, Trump made headlines with his bitter animosity toward Obama yet again when it was announced that he would very likely not be participating in an unveiling ceremony for Obama’s official presidential portrait. It’s a tradition going back several administrations, but Mr. Trump has never held back when it comes to doing things he feels punish the former president.
Trump has made no secret of his loathing of the man he hounded for nearly a decade over a birth certificate he believed was fake and proved Obama shouldn’t be president. In fact, much of Trump’s political messaging since throwing his hat into the ring in 2015 has been an anti-Obama barrage of angry invective. Biden criticized Trump for not doing an unveiling at the White House of Obama’s portrait, but assured the public that if he wins in November, he’ll hoist his former boss’s portrait up within the first six months of holding office.
“You might have heard I was going to hang it in a bathroom at the White House,” Biden said, “but that sounds more like third-rate, shit-tier, wannabe, hacky satire written by a user who loves to take credit for everyone’s hard work while doing the literal bare minimum himself, to me. Besides, once that pile of garbage leaves the White House, it belongs where all garbage belongs — in a landfill. So that’s where his portrait is going. Keep the garbage where garbage belongs, Jack!”
Former Vice-President Biden said he and his staff looked at “several locations” that would be suitable for a portrait of President Trump. After contacting several McDonald’s, KFC’s, and the Kremlin, however, it became apparent that they’d need to think outside the box. None of the places they called had any interest in hanging a portrait of Trump in their lobbies or anywhere the public would see them.
“So once we heard back from everybody that they would definitely not be interested in displaying Trump’s presidential portrait, we started spitballing some ideas for where we could put the damn thing,” Biden divulged. “Luckily for us, there’s a landfill not far from the White House. Lots of people in that town know about it. Mitch McConnell hides all the coal company payoff checks he gets back from the bank once they’re cleared into his account there. Pence apparently dumps the bodies of young gigolos after he shame-kills them there.”
The landfill in question has even agreed to build a special shack that Trump’s portrait will be hung in.
“They didn’t want a picture of Trump anywhere near any of their normal garbage. They said that regular garbage didn’t do anything that deserved being punished that way,” Biden said. “So they built a special new shack on their property, where they’ll put Trump’s portrait. I guess they’ll also have all the disposable diapers put in there too, since they said it’s where they’ll keep anything that’s completely full of shit.”
The White House did not respond to requests for comments on this story.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.