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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Big, Dumb, Idiot Spends His Day as Most Powerful Idiot in the World Live-Tweeting His Own Impeachment

WASHINGTON, D.C. — By noon in the nation’s capital today, a big, bloviating, orange moron had tweeted more than a dozen times about what is surely to be his impending impeachment. Last week, the human carbuncle was given the news that a coequal branch of government was opening an investigation to determine if his idiotic behavior was not just idiotic, but idiotic to the point that it rises to the level of impeachability. The irony being, of course, that many of the idiot’s tweets could themselves be used as evidence in his impeachment trial, meaning he is essentially just live-tweeting his own political demise.

The idiot in chief, who enjoys the highest disapproval ratings of anyone to ever hold his position, already somehow narrowly avoided an impeachment inquiry after the release of the Mueller Report, has been assailing those in Congress who have the “audacity to hold a president accountable.” The tangerine tyrant has raged against the people the very document that gives him enormous powers also gives the power to hold him in check. The double-decker douchebag of a moron has routinely labeled any press reporting of stories with facts that cast him in a bad light as “fake news.”

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Today’s tear-soaked and anger filled tweets started with the tectonically stupid man demanding that Republicans follow his orders down in Louisiana and vote for the candidate he gave his moronic endorsement to. It’s unclear if congressional Republicans would have been as okay with the previous, black administration using the powers of the presidency to openly campaign for his party. It’s also unclear if the gigantically-assed fool knows how to spell “me” if you don’t give him a two letter head start.

Less than twelve minutes later, the mendacious bonehead tweeted a whine about his press coverage. Though the boorish nincompoop verbally bashes and attacks every news outlet, he apparently thinks his abuse also entitles him to fawning headlines. In a tweet, Mr. Dumbfuck McMoron tweeted about winning a case in California that will allow him to get onto the presidential ballot, despite actual U.S. citizens in the state deciding they want to be sure everyone up for president isn’t as corrupt as he clearly is. The California law would force any person, no matter how clearly stupid as this man is, to release their tax returns before being added to the ballots in the states.

States have typically had very wide berth to control the electoral processes within their boundaries, as that’s exactly how the Constitution says it should work.

A scant fifteen minutes after that tweet, the obnoxious bag of toxic racism and undeniable inadequacy played one of his greatest hits. He knows that his gullible base loves hearing about the monument to their white supremacy that he promised them during the 2016 campaign. In his efforts to distract them from the very factual press reports of his very real malfeasance, the loudmouthed dumbshit tweeted about “The Wall.”

It’s unclear at this time of Pink Floyd will sue the fuckwit for trademark infringement. However, it is clear that the big, dumb idiot in the big ol’ white house certainly does need an education. Obviously, though, he got “no education” indeed.

Less than hour later, the blockhead tweeted his insistence that a prominent Democrat resign from office because the blustering buffoon doesn’t get or understand what satire is, nor how the First Amendment works. Yesterday, the orange orangutan of obfuscation demanded this Democrat be investigated for treason. In an unrelated footnote, White House staff is apparently looking into buying a dictionary with very large print so that this idiot behind the Resolute Desk will stop calling everything he doesn’t like “treason.

Experts in irony note that the dumbass son of a bitch on Pennsylvania Avenue is endangering the world’s supply of the precious element needed for humor. Apparently, someone with a lifelong history of duping, conning, and lying to the American public calling someone else “fraudulent” is causing a lot of stress on the irony disbursement system, and much of the ironic energy on the planet is being redirected to the Oval Office.

About ten minutes later, the cretinous imbecile labeled his political opponents “Do Nothing Democrats.” The insinuation once again tested the limits of the planet’s irony supply, because this particularly foul smelling fool belongs to a party that blocked literally everything the previous presidential administration attempted to accomplish, solely on the basis of him being a Democrat, and possibly probably because he was a black one to boot.

One minute later, Lt. Commander Dummy Dummerson tried to meme his clever new catchphrase, which is neither new nor clever in reality, with a hashtag, as the Millennials call it.

Twenty minutes later, President Pussy Ass Bitch made sure the whole entire world knew some idiotic dipshit on Fox News’ opinion about his impeachment. It’s long established precedent that this idiot’s base only pays attention to Fox News, so many on the Hill see this as a wise, if not totally obvious, move on his part. Still, and it cannot be overstated, he is as smart as a box of rocks owned by another box of rocks.

The presidential pinhead sent a second draft of this tweet, seen below, after the word “moat” was spelled “moot” which is, as luck would have it, exactly what all his whining, complaining, and kvetching is, constitutionally speaking. This bonebrained shithoused moron wants the world to believe he’s dumb enough to want to nuke hurricanes, but not dumb enough to suggest migrants seeking asylum at the border. A snap poll of likeminded idiots in his base shows that 100% of them agree that shooting people fits perfectly with their “pro life” belief system.

Seventeen minutes later, and the dork was trying to guilt Democrats into not holding him accountable for his bad behavior by intimating the economy would crash without him at the helm. Some economists noted that the U.S. economy had managed to survive for almost 250 years without the help of someone who has filed for more bankruptcies than divorces and he’s on his third wife. Others have pointed out that his farts smell like ice cream, but it should be noted for accuracy that those voices seem to be coming from within the fatfuck’s own head, and should be taken with a grain of salt.

Within another 12 minutes, the dumbbell in chief was blasting the Speaker of the House, who announced the impeachment investigation last week. The least intelligent person to ever occupy the Oval Office accused the Speaker of “trying to win an election through impeachment.” Staffers later told media representatives that the presi-dunce believes the “only legal way” to win an election is by “having Vladimir tell you you’re going to win.”

The titanic boob’s Secretary of State has come under fire because it turns out he was on the very same call that touched-off the impeachment frenzy. Secretary Mike Pompeo had told the press just days ago that he had no knowledge of the call, and now he’s admitted to being on it. The bombastic shit flinging assclown in the White House, however, used his Twitter account to bash the Democrat who has subpoenaed Secretary of Pompeo, using churlish insults like a brazen little schoolyard bully.

As of the time of publication, this was the final tweet sent by the dumbest man to ever be president. It’s hard to know exactly, but many people on the Hill wonder how shocked and outraged the Religious Right would have been if Previous Black President had used the word “bullshit” and put it in all-caps. However, as of this moment, Mike Huckabee, the gravy-spattered voice of the evangelical bloc, has not commented.

We will update this story when the pineapple upsidedown cake of stupidity inevitably tweets more bullshit. It’s only 2 o’clock out there, which means there are at least a few good tweeting hours left in the day.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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