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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Bill Barr Pretty Sure Trump Can Order Anyone Killed Any Time, In Any Place, and For Any Reason At All

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Attorney General of the United States of America told reporters today that he’s “pretty sure” President Donald Trump can order anyone executed at any time or place that he wants to. 

“Now, I’m not basing that on any case law per se, or anything that’s in the Constitution, either,” Barr said, “but I’ve always personally wondered why we’re so afraid of having a kingly, monarchical leader in this country. People act like we fought a violent bloody war to establish a system of government that didn’t make any one person a godlike ruler over all things. So, if you’re asking me, yeah, I’m pretty sure the president can have anyone killed that he wants to, wherever they are, and for any reason whatsoever.”

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The question of just how much unilateral power a president has to order someone’s execution came as Barr has been defending Trump’s decision to order the drone strike killing of Iranian Major General Qasem Soleimani. Initially, the administration defended the move because they said that imminent attacks were planned by the Iranian general, and that they decided to act pre-emptively. However, since then the details of those attacks have been surfaced, and even Defense Secretary Esper told Sunday morning shows that he hadn’t seen evidence of the attacks being imminent. Barr waved away concerns over the imminent nature of the attacks earlier this week, and reiterated that position today.

“I’ve said it before under previous administrations, and I’ll say it again — the president might as well be a god, because to me, he’s allowed to do whatever he wants,” Barr explained. “I should say, though, that’s provided he belongs to the same political party I do. Otherwise, I think it’s dangerous to leave a president’s power unchecked. But if he belongs to the same party I do, I think it’s all gravy. And with this president, everything is pretty much covered in gravy at all times anyway, so there you go.”

Barr is a proponent of the “unitary” theory of executive power. In a nutshell, he and those who adhere to said philosophy believe that the Constitution rests unitary, or sole, unequaled power in the executive branch to run the government as he or she sees fit. Those who oppose this legal theory say it essentially puts the president “above the law.” Barr addressed that very concern this morning.

“I’ve heard Mitch McConnell say it, and I have to agree,” Barr said, “it’s not that we think President Trump is above the law. We just think it doesn’t apply to him…while he’s president at least. Of course, once he leaves office, we’ll argue you can’t prosecute him because he was acting as president, but hey, you know, um…what was I saying?”

Attorney General Barr concedes that not every American would agree with his views on executive power and privilege. However, he says he and Trump are “working on that” and soon, everyone will be required by law to have his view.

“Hey, what do I know? Maybe I’m just talking out of my ass, but regardless, it won’t matter soon. You see, once President Trump issues the official order, declaring it illegal to not think of him as above the law, that’s when it all changes,” Barr said. “He’ll hand it off to me, and just like the Mueller Report, I’ll put my thumb on the scale, which is indistinguishable from my dick, by the way, so you won’t really, technically, know which one it is. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, right, Trump is your god now, assholes. Don’t like it? Suck it.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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