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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Bill Maher to Replace Monologue With Shouting at ‘Woke Kids’ to Get Off His Lawn

HOLLYWOOB, CALIFORNIA — Beginning next month, viewers of Real Time With Bill Maher will be treated to a slightly different version of the program. Maher will still host a panel of guests and smugly tell everyone only his opinions are the ones that are accurate or good, however the panel will no longer be preceded by a humorous monologue.

Instead, Maher will simply bring a folding lawn chair out onto stage, sit in it, and spend ten minutes yelling at, as he called them during a radio interview this morning, “woke kids,” to get off his lawn.

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“I thought about it long and hard, and decided to just drop all the pretense. Since I’ve been mostly just making headlines lately when I say something to troll or lecture younger liberals — who I only really respect when I’m trying to fuck one who’s half my age — why not just go in, whole hog, on the ‘Confused and Angry, Rich White Guy’ thing,” Maher explained.

In recent episodes, Maher has blasted “woke” people, defended fellow comedian Dave Chapelle’s transphobic material, and even sided with parents who were concerned about critical race theory being taught to their children, despite it not being taught to children. Maher has also blasted the “hatred” he sees from some on the left.

“If you had told me twenty years ago, as I was railing against the Bush administration and calling them every name under the sun, in true hateful spite, that I would be just another rich, white douchebag one day, getting angry that repressed and marginalized people are speaking out against their repression and marginalization, I wouldn’t have listened. Unless you were born in the 1980’s and had big tits,” Maher admitted.

“Anyway, I was doing bong rips with this 19 year old Croatian model last night, and it occurred to me, I hate her. She’s younger than me, will outlive me, and is the beneficiary of all the knowledge I didn’t get when I was her age. Fuck, I hated her. Still paid her to bang me, but I hated her. That made me realize that I wanted to spend the rest of my career shitting all over the people who are saying the things I would be saying if I didn’t have a fuckton of money, a total disconnect from average people, and a dearth of melanin in my skin.”

Maher announced he’s also considering a name change for his show, to “more accurately reflect the show’s sensibilities and target audience.”

“We’re still doing some focus group work, trying to figure out if Aging Boomer Time with Bill Maher will do as well in our target demo of aging Boomers.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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