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Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Bloomberg Offers $500 to Any Voter Who Lets Him Stop and Frisk Them

FORT OLIE GARK, SOUTH CAROLINA — At a campaign stop in the Palmetto State this morning, Democratic presidential candidate and former Mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg told Americans eating at a diner that he’d pay them each $500 if they allowed him to stop and frisk them. Mr. Bloomberg has come under fire recently for unearthed recordings where he seemed to not only defend the controversial “stop and frisk” policy used by New York City police for a few years, but also use some highly racially charged rhetoric about who the majority of people who commit violent crimes are. Stop and frisk allowed officers to halt and search suspects they thought might be carrying a firearm, but studies showed it didn’t really reduce gun crime, and mostly just served as a tool of racial profiling. 

“C’mon folks, let me give you five hundred bucks, and I’ll stop and frisk you. Show it’s not so bad, really,” Bloomberg told one couple eating their pancakes this morning. “I don’t know why people are all that shocked a former Republican was into some bootlicking authoritarian enabling of bad policing policies, but here we are, face to face, a couple of Silver Spoons.”

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At another table, Bloomberg explained why he wanted to pay people to be stopped and frisked.

“Look, I’m not here to defend that policy, not anymore. That was Old Mike, the Republican. I’m New Mike, the Democrat,” Bloomberg explained. “If you can’t trust a billionaire when he tells you something, who can you trust?”

Bloomberg moved on to a family enjoying a breakfast out together. The children were eating chocolate chip waffles. The father was eating a chicken fried steak and egg breakfast. The mother was having an omelette and whole wheat toast.

“Sweet food you got there. Taste good? Awesome,” Bloomberg said. “How about I give you five hundred bucks and you let me stop and frisk you or your kids. Hell, you can make a cool two grand for letting me stop and frisk all of you right here, right now. I’m not saying I support the policy anymore, I just want Americans to understand how it’s not really that big a deal, you know, in the grand scheme of things.

Mayor Bloomberg then found himself sitting the diner’s counter with a man who said he works in a local machine shop. Bloomberg told him his job sounds “fascinating.” Then, the Democratic candidate shifted gears and asked if he could pay the man to be stopped and frisked. The man declined, and then asked Bloomberg if he was aware that the policy ran counter to the Constitution.

“Sure, it’s invasive and technically a violation of all sorts of our rights enshrined in the Bill of Rights,” Bloomberg told the man, “but you won’t care when I hand you five crisp, clean hundred dollar bills for your time, huh?”

Lastly, Bloomberg came to a couple of seniors seated at a small booth. He plunked down right next to the woman who was having oatmeal with her husband. He smiled at her. Then, he waved a thousand dollars in their faces and asked if they’d take the money and let him frisk them. The couple declined, and then asked Bloomberg if the suspects who were stopped and frisked but ultimately found to not be violating any laws were given the same offer of five hundred dollars. Bloomberg laughed and then stuffed a wad of cash in each of their mouths to keep them quiet.

“No, I mean, we didn’t give everyone we stopped and frisked money. Don’t be silly. They were brown people suspected of crimes because they were, you know, brown,” Bloomberg admitted. “Frankly, they should probably have paid us some kind of fee and then we’d give them a badge that made it clear they were one of the good ones, or whatever. What am I talking about? Who knows. Just take my money and then vote for me, your friendly neighborhood billionaire who doesn’t think you should drink a lot of soda and the government should have the power to force you not to.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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