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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Bob Mueller Apologizes to Country for His Coup’s Last Minute Decision to Clear Trump of Collusion Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Critics of President Donald Trump have lambasted him for he continues to characterize the work done by FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller, as well as the events that transpired which ultimately spurred the two-year long investigation.

Clinging to his attorney general’s summary of a report which the American public, and Congress, have not seen, Trump has continually called the investigation a “witch hunt.” Since Attorney General William Barr exonerated him on the charge of obstruction of justice — a decision Mr. Mueller punted on — Trump has started echoing the sentiments of right-wing pundits, calling the counterintelligence investigation started under the Obama administration a “coup.”

While many have been heavily critical of the most powerful man in the free world politicizing an investigation into how, when, and why a hostile foreign power attacked the 2016 election cycle, Mueller himself may have just given Trump another “I told you so” moment.

“Dear America,” Mueller writes in an op-ed penned for Investigators Weekly, “I am truly, truly very sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I probably should have let our coup happen, and instead I let it clear Trump of the charge of collusion.”

President Trump’s most ardent and strident defenders have called the two-year investigation into Russia’s hacking of our election systems a “witch hunt” from the beginning, but since Barr’s summary was released and the news that Mueller did not establish a criminal conspiracy between the Kremlin and Trump’s team, they’ve started turning up the heat and using words like “treason” and “coup” to describe the actions taken by former FBI Director James Comey and others. Despite Comey and Mueller both being lifelong Republicans, Trump has insisted on painting everyone on the team as “angry Democrats.”

“Gosh darn it, why did I have to be an honest investigator? Why couldn’t have I been the person Trump accuses me of being,” Mueller’s letter asks, “and forced a result based on our coup we were totally attempting? I missed the boat there, fam, and I am very sorry for that.”

Mr. Mueller explains in his letter that even though his investigation may have all the hallmarks of legitimate oversight, it was in fact a coup.

“A lot of people think a coup has to actually be an attempt to overthrow a duly elected government,” Mueller explains, “but the dictionary says it can also be a totally lawful and necessary investigation into whether the president is a compromised tool of a fascist autocrat. Who knew, eh?”

If given the chance to conduct such an investigation in the future, Mueller promises to “do better” and “keep everything focused on the end goal of ending a duly elected presidency.”

“Honestly, I’m very sorry for doing an investigation in the end, and not a coup. It was touch and go there, but in the end we made the wrong choice,” Mueller said. “Silly me, I thought I was just supposed to follow the facts. But apparently I was supposed to overthrow a government too? Who knew.”

Before ending his letter, Mueller mused whether it actually mattered or not, whatever his report says.

“I mean, the truth is that Barr was going to say what he wanted to say regardless of what I wrote in the report,” Mueller posits. “So in the end, I guess I should’ve just hired Barr to write the summary and skipped the whole two years of investigation. Meh. Oh well, I guess.”

This is a developing story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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