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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Boebert Defends Herself: “I’m Literally Too Stupid to Commit Campaign Finance Fraud!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Questions are mounting for freshman Congressmoron Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) over her use of campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. As reported by CNBC, Boebert’s office received a letter from federal authorities, seeking information on Venmo payments for more than $6,000.

letter from the Federal Election Commission to the treasurer of Boebert’s 2022 reelection campaign inquired about four Venmo payments totaling more than $6,000.

FEC filings show the payments came between May and June for what’s described on the forms as “personal expense of Lauren Boebert billed to campaign account in error.” The filings then note that the “expense has been reimbursed.” (CNBC)

At a hastily thrown-together press conference, Boebert offered up just one, simple defense.

IVANKA: “I KNOW FOR A FACT DADDY COULD PULL-OUT BETTER”

“I’m dumb as fuck, fam. Like, I’d have to cheat off Forest Gump in high school, that’s how truly, astronomically stupid I am,” Boebert told reporters. “If I’m as stupid as that, and believe me, I am, then I cannot be responsible for any crimes I committed. I’m literally stupid to commit campaign finance fraud!”

No experts in the field that we spoke to could identify a suspect’s intelligence, or lack thereof, as a valid excuse from criminal charges. Boebert, however, seemed unfazed by the allegations.

“Whatever, I’m a Republican. Consequences are for Demon-crats, which is a truly original and hilarious joke I just made up all by myself,” Boebert said, while a little fart escaped from her trousers. “That wasn’t me. That was AOC, clearly.”

Boebert was last seen running down the halls of Congress, diarrhea pouring down her leg, which she claimed was “MAGA Chocolate Sauce.”

WITH AUGUST 13TH RAPIDLY APPROACHING, BIDEN STILL PRESIDENT FOR NEXT FOUR YEARS

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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