COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins is a right-wing YouTube star and singer/songwriter who is absolutely steadfast in his support of President Donald Trump and his “MAGA” agenda. Bohiggins is a frequent contributor to AltFacts, and recently he appeared on The Iggle Report, hosted by Fred M. Iggle, to defend Trump from the accusations leveled at him by House Democrats as they step-up their impeachment investigation. The president is being accused of using the power of his office to lean on foreign countries to dig up dirt on his political rivals.
While Jethro admits he’d “be seeing blood red and white hot anger” if HIllary Clinton had been elected and used the presidency to force other countries to help her win re-election, he told Iggle that “it’s way, way, way, way, way different” with Trump.
“Freddy, I gotta tell you,” Bohiggins said in his usual Tuesday night rant that ends every episode of The Iggle Report, “these lamestream liberals and their idiotic press don’t get it. You can’t impeach this president! You cannot put your little libtard hands on him, because he has the full-throated and armed support of at least 25% of the country! It’ll be a bloodbath at the polls and in the streets!”
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Bohiggins, slugging a tallboy of American domestic lager and spewing profanities, said he wanted to give Democrats “some free political advice” and warn them not to impeach Trump because there’s a “pecking order” to who is impeached and when. Bohiggins says that Democrats will have to impeach President David Dennison, President John Barron, President Individual-1, Almost First Lady Melania Trump, and the President of Puerto Rico before they can officially impeach Trump.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize y’all thought you can use the Constitution against us,” Bohiggins howled, “but you can’t! We called dibs on that sh*t back in the Reagan 80’s, motherf*ckers!”
Ultimately, Bohiggins, argues, the Democrats are missing a vital piece of the impeachment equation. Without Oval Office oral sex, he argued, the impeachment of Donald Trump will be “meaningless.” Jethro says that it’s “established fact” that you can’t impeach someone without “blowjobs in the oval office.”
“You f**kin’ millennials, with your avocado toast. You’re all, like, ‘Oh, I wanna impeach the president for his high crimes and misdemeanors,'” Jethro screamed at the camera. “But guess what? If you don’t think he got a blowie in the Oval Office you can’t impeach him!”
Jethro warns Democrats that they will be “destroyed” at the polls next year if they go forward with impeaching Trump. He says that it’s extremely risky impeaching someone with the “full support of at least two-and-a-half to three out of every ten Americans.” Jethro’s rant was taped, however, before a Fox News poll showing 51% support impeaching and removing Trump from office because of his call to the new President of Ukraine. In the call’s transcript summary, Trump can be seen repeatedly asking Ukraine’s president to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter.
“What, you think Trump was in the Oval Office,” Bohiggins asked chidingly, putting a pantomime phone up to his ear, “going, ‘Oh, president Ukraine, I have a favor to ask of you. Can you come over here and give me a blowie in the Oval Office? My d*ck is dry, and yours is the only mouth that can fit around my tiny little mushroom head!’ Gimme a f**kin’ break, fam!”
You can watch highlights from Jethro’s rant, courtesy AltFacts, below:
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.