COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins is a devout, proud, unabashed Donald Trump supporter, and has been since Trump announced that he was running for president back in 2015. On his podcast, Jethro often tells listeners he knew right away then-Candidate Trump would “truly MAGA the living crap out of America.”
“He just gets it. It’s not that being white makes us better than, you know, other types, it’s just that it puts us at a genetic advantage not fucking your cousin or sister just can’t provide,” Bohiggins recently explained. “When he very correctly pointed out that literally every illegal Mexican is a raper, drug dealer, or killer, I could just tell…this man gets it, Fam.”
Jethro has routinely and repeatedly defended President Trump throughout his term. Bohiggins uses his podcast, he says, as a “platform to dispel the fake news” about Trump. Yesterday, Jethro discussed a new allegation made by author E. Jean Carroll that Trump raped her years ago. Mr. Trump himself denied the allegations by saying Carroll doesn’t “look like [his] type.” While some where outraged by the president’s comments, Bohiggins gave them a full-throated defense on his show.
“What are the libtards in this country so up in arms about the president saying that woman ain’t his type and he wouldn’t rape her? We all got a type, fam,” Bohiggins said. “And I for one applaud Mr. Trump for tackling this issue head on, and clearing up for everyone who he would or would not rape. No one likes being unsure of where their president’s head and heart are. Now, at least in terms of rape, we have a lot clearer picture of the president’s thought process.”
Bohiggins says that Americans should “demand that every president lay out who they would or wouldn’t rape.”
“Frankly, why aren’t the libtards up in arms about not knowing who their Lord and Kenyan Savior Bo-Rock HUSSEIN Obama, would rape,” Bohiggins asked suspiciously. “I’m actually a little curious why Obama never formally declared his rape type. He was in office a solid, nightmarish eight years and we never once had an open discussion about the kinds of women he felt he’d rape. And you libs are telling me you’re not alarmed by that? Give me a damn break, fam!”
Even after doing hours and hours of research, Jethro says he wasn’t able to find any other president’s recorded rape preferences.
“Donald Trump is a damn visionary! The only other president who we have any idea about his rape tastes is Thomas Jefferson,” Jethro said. “And he was a Democrat. So I’m glad that the Republican Party has decided to make rape choices their issue, because if the Dems are just gonna leave it on the table, someone’s gotta pick it up!”
Jethro has a theory as to why Obama never divulged who he’d like to rape.
“I bet Obama’s such a cuck he’d say something like, ‘Oh, I’m Obumbo, and I’m TOO GOOD to have a rape type, unlike you fly over, bitter clinging, Christian jerk stooges,'” Bohiggins said. “And I bet it goes all the way to George Soros! He prolly told Obama to never have a rape type because that’s how you destroy America from within, y’all! Checkmate! Chemtrails! Libtards!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”