COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins has, by his estimation at least, recorded no fewer than 36 hours of material on former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s protests against police brutality. For those unaware, Kaepernick, and African American, decided when he was still a starting QB for the San Francisco 49er football club to protest the use of force in disproportionate ways and numbers on African Amercan suspects. Kaepernick initially had just sat down on the bench during the playing of the national anthem prior to games, but on the advice of a teammate who was a former member of the armed forces, Kaepernick started to kneel during the anthem instead.
Over the course of that season, and in subsequent seasons, other players took up Kaepernick’s protest. While it’s theorized that his politically-charged protests, which angered many people like Bohiggins immensely and got the focus of President Donald Trump’s angry tweets put squarely on him, cost Kaepernick his job, and any other job on an NFL team, Kaepernick has stood fast in his convictions, and has never apologized or stated he any regret for his protests. Jethro believes he’s probably recorded more material on Kapernick than any other subject besides Benghazi and President Obama’s efforts to steal everyone’s guns and take “In God We Trust” off U.S. currency.
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On today’s episode of “Rantin’ Right with Jethro,” Bohiggins told a story from this past weekend, and he admitted right at the outset that even he was surprised by what he did. Ultimately, though, Jethro says, he’ll continue to do it until the situation changes.
“Fam, you know how much I trust our dear president. You know that when he said the Democrats and the FAKE NEWS ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE PRESS were making the coronavirus into their new hoax, I continued to go out, socialize, and hit the bars,” Bohiggins told his audience. “And even though I got the ‘vid somethin’ fierce and couldn’t afford to see a doctor about it because we have the best healthcare system in the world, I feel much, much, much better now. And since President Trump has given us his expert medical opinion that’s okay for states to start opening back up, they need to do exactly that, and let me tell you, I’m 100% with the good, clean, white, ammo hoarding patriotic protesters who are storming the streets, demanding liberty from the lockdowns!”
Jethro’s own home state of Tennessee has extended its safer-at-home orders through the end of this month to May 1st, though it’s unclear if they could push that date out further if there’s a new spike in cases. Bohiggins was out at the grocery store this weekend buying essentials, and he said he heard the national anthem playing in someone’s truck in the parking lot. Without thinking, Bohiggins says he did something he’s never done before.
“Typically, I not only stand for the anthem and pledge, I take my hat and pants off for it too,” Jethro said, “because I want everyone around me to see just how fucking hard freedom and liberty get me. I mean it, folks, I hear the anthem, and my crotch starts FLOODING with blood.”
But over the weekend, when Bohiggins heard the anthem in someone’s truck, he felt something else well up inside of him: solidarity. Jethro says he felt the “spirit of the lockdown protesters” awaken inside him when he heard the anthem. The next thing he knew, he was kneeling down, hand over his heart.
“Mind you, my pants were down, so some may have thought I was shitting, but I promise you, I was not shitting,” Jethro said. “I was protesting. Protesting the tyranny of health officials saving lives. The oppression of elected officials protecting vulnerable populations. I was protesting the lockdowns, fam, and I regret nothing.”
Contrary to what one might assume, though, Jethro has no intention of changing his view of Kaepernick or his “anti-American antics.”
“I was protesting the white way for the white reasons,” Bohiggins said. “And no, I did not mispronounce that and you heard me right. Black people have no reason to protest anything, ever. We gave them their freedom and the right to vote, who cares about anything else? But I’m protesting because I need a damn haircut and I can’t get a damn haircut because the snowflake libtards are all afraid of their grandma’s dying!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.