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Monday, June 5, 2023

Bolton Agrees to Give House Democrats Audible Version of His New Book

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has agreed to let the House Democrats get an advanced copy of the Audible version of his new book. 

Entitled, “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir,” and set around his time working in the Trump administration, the former ambassador’s book reportedly contains new allegations that the president directly linked military aid to Ukraine to investigations into the Bidens and Burisma. Heretofore, Trump and his legal team have repeatedly asserted there was no “linkage” of the aid to investigations, despite several firsthand witnesses testifying in House impeachment hearings and depositions that President Trump was pushing for the investigations against stated U.S. foreign policy goals, and only after former Vice President Joe Biden started climbing in the Democratic primary polls.

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Over the weekend, The Failing New York Times published a report on the sections of Bolton’s memoir that pertain to the Ukraine scandal. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Trump used Twitter to flatly deny the allegations in Bolton’s book. Mr. Trump, who has told over 16,000 documented lies during his time in office, accused Bolton of making the accusations that he linked military aid to political investigations “to sell a book.” Sources close to the president were a little baffled by his reference to a book, given that he’s barely literate and has never read any books, particularly those he’s said he wrote.

House Democrats tried to get Bolton to testify during their impeachment hearings last year, but Trump blocked his testimony, and Bolton himself said he’d only testify under subpoena from the Senate, where Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) has made it abundantly clear his preference is for no witnesses or additional testimony during the impeachment trial, which is currently underway. 

“The longer we drag this thing out, the more chance there is for people to want to look under the rug we’re trying like hell to sweep everything under,” McConnell told a conservative talk radio host over the weekend. “Call me crazy, but I still believe real American patriots want us to protect them from the truth. They want us to pull the wool down over their eyes and duct tape it in place so they never see the truth. I ask you this — what possible good could come of learning that your president thinks of himself as a mob boss, and runs his branch of government accordingly?”

Despite the fact that Bolton has said publicly he would willingly testify in the impeachment trial, it would seem that McConnell and his fellow Republicans’ recalcitrance could keep him from doing so. However, this morning, Bolton’s legal team offered to break the stalemate on his testimony in a more unconventional way. Ambassador Bolton has offered to give House Democrats the Audible version of his book, which they say is “pretty much kinda like him actually being a brave human being and testifying under oath.”

“While Mr. Bolton could totally and probably should totally testify, in public, under oath, and let the whole world know, in real-time that the president is a crooked, dirty swamp creature,” Bolton’s attorneys wrote in a statement to House Democratic leadership, “he wants to make the monies. And in order to make the monies, he needs to sell a ton of books. Therefore, he’d prefer it if you guys all just bulk bought a ton of copies of his book and sent them out to the American people. However, we know these are important and trying times, so we propose a compromise. Ambassador Bolton will release the Audible version of his memoir and let you all play that during the question and answer phase of the trial.”

The rules for the impeachment trial adopted by the Senate last week include a question and answer portion, where Senators could conceivably ask any number of questions. Bolton’s attorneys suggested that House Democrats take the audio files of the memoir to Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer directly, and ask him to play the relevant sections of the book for the American people that way. Bolton’s team suggests Democrats should “be pretty okay” with their suggestion.

“While we cannot deny our client is being a greedy little capitalist attention whore,” Bolton’s team admitted, “we suggest you take him up on this offer, while there’s still time. Otherwise, please reach out to this publicity team if you’d like to do a book signing on the House floor at some time.”

Speaker Nancy Pelosi reportedly is still discussing the offer with her Democratic colleagues. Democratic leadership is hoping they might convince Bolton to come and read his book under oath, as they’re not sure if playing an audio file of him reading it “still counts.” The White House is preparing an executive order requiring Republican senators to plug their ears and scream “LA LA LA!” while the Audible version of the book is played during the trial.

Trump is the third president and first Republican president to face formal impeachment charges in the Senate.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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