WASHINGTON, D.C. — Several highly placed White House sources are reporting that President Donald Trump’s long dormant bone spurs — which his longtime doctor and Voodoo warlock Harold Bornstein have called “potentially very lethal or maybe nothing at all and really just total poo-poo ca-ca balls” — recently flared up so badly that medical staff was brought into the Oval Office.
The president was reportedly seen to by Bornstein and White House physicians. Dr. Bornstein informned the media that the bone spurs began to swell and radiate intense pain through the president’s feet right as his chief of staff John Kelly was holding a press conference. Just as Kelly was publicly excoriating Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-FL) for recounting the details of a call between Trump and the family of Sgt. La David Johnson’s widow. Johnson was lost in the deadly ambush attack on U.S. forces in Niger last week. Bornstein also confirmed that the spurs were the flared up, and that they were the very same ones that Trump had used in one of his four Vietnam War draft deferments.
“Right as General Kelly was making political theater out of condemning people who make everything into political theater,” White House Deputy Medical Liaison Skip Lombister told the press, “the president began writhing on the floor in agony.”
Lombister explained that Mr. Kelly “made a big show of what happens when a soldier or sailor is lost in combat,” and the process their body goes through, Trump’s bone spurs started having an allergic reaction to Kelly “politicizing the death of a soldier to help illustrate how bad it is to politicize the death of a soldier.” Mr. Trump’s bone spurs began to radiate with pain and discomfort he’d not felt since “he thought he might be going to war with the plebs over fifty years ago,” Lombister reported.
President Trump will need to stick a “low stress, low physical activity schedule and regimen” for several weeks in order for the spurs’ swelling to return to their normal levels, the doctor told reporters.
“So luckily his normal productivity and work ethic won’t be impacted one bit,” Bornstein said reassuringly, “and he should even be able to golf, well, right now if he wanted to.”
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Trump got up very quickly, motioned to Kellyanne Conway in a mock golf swing and pussy grab, grabbed a red “Make America Great Again, or Whatever, Who Gives a Fuck?” hat from a giant tub of them behind the Resolute Desk, and did that little leg kick thing leprechauns do when they’re happy on his way out of the Oval Office. Conway picked up a large bag of golf clubs on gave a salute to the press poll on the way out of the door.
Reporters got Conway to stop just long enough to ask her where they were going.
“Obviously we’re taking President Trump to the hospital,” Conway said, “and definitely not the golf course. If anyone says he went to the golf course that’s fake news and they should be put to death like the lying media scumbag whores they are. Also, yay America! And freedom! GO TRUMP!”
Conway farted just a tiny bit, then left the room doing the same exact little leprechaun leg kick thing her boss did just moments earlier.
This story is developing.