LAKE MORON, FLORIDA — This week, it was announced that disgraced former Secret Service Agent, multiple failed congressional candidate, and fired NRA-TV commentator has managed to fail upwards once more. Bongino, who has been publicly diagnosed with “Clinton Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,” and possess the largest head (by circumference) of any political commentator in American history, has been given Rush Limbaugh’s former time slot.
While Bongino and his verified sociopath and social media manager Matt “Dumb as Fuck, Kermit the Frog Voiced, Laterally Lisping Moron” Palumbo prepare to get his new show on the air, he’s reportedly been looking for ways to honor the man whose time he’ll be taking over. Sources says Bongino’s already found two ways to hit the ground running and that they’ll help let Rush’s old audience know the new guy’s going to be much like the old, dead from cancer guy.
“When Danny stopped hate-spanking it to old Hillary Clinton video clips this morning, he had quite an epiphany,” one source close to the situation told us. “He could get hooked on oxy and start banging underage Domincan prostitutes. That would show the EIB audience he knows how to be a luminary of modern conservatism.”
Apparently, Bongino’s already flown to the Dominican Republic and secured enough oxycontin that he believes he can use throughout his contract. If needs be, however, he’s more than willing to get his hands on more. Bongino understands that getting hooked on drugs while also making fun of those with drug addictions who use taxpayer funded recovery and therapy services is a key to retaining Rush’s audience.
“Nobody loves above the fold, unapologetic hypocrisy like Rush Limbaugh fans, and there are very few massive hypocrites on the scene like Danny,” our source told us. “This is a real match made in conservative heaven, otherwise known as hell to everyone else. And Danny considers himself really lucky to have already been into underage prostitutes before he got this gig.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.