WASHINGTON, D.C. — Legislation aimed at curbing the incidence of one neighbor beating up another is being stalled in the U.S. Senate by two Democratic senators. Sens. Kamala Harris (CA) and Cory Booker (NJ) have put a kibosh on a bill that would make it a specific federal crime to beat up your neighbor. In a truly unprecedented development, Booker and Harris are the ones who drafted the legislation in the first place.
“Last week, a law that has overwhelming bipartisan support was held up because of one man’s objections,” Booker told reporters. “Senator Harris and I got together and thought maybe it was time for a good ol’ fashioned political stunt, and we thought that since the guy who is holding up making lynching a federal hate crime had his ass thoroughly beaten by a neighbor, maybe we could do a little political theater to make our point for us.”
Harris concedes that it’s already illegal to beat up your neighbor, however she said that she and Booker drafted their law to address the specific kind of assault that Senator Paul suffered, in order to draw an even clearer parallel to the anti-lynching law.
“Of course it’s already illegal to beat up your neighbor, just like it’s already illegal to lynch someone,” Harris said. “That, however, is like arguing that you shouldn’t have drunk driving laws just because it’s already illegal to kill someone with your car. If Senator Paul doesn’t get why he’s being such a racist little raccoon-haired sack of fuck about the lynching law after this, he’s probably a lost cause at this point.”
The Rand Paul Is a Fucking Idiot But Shouldn’t Get Beat Up Over His Stupidity Act would make it a federal hate crime to “beat up a neighbor, no matter how many racist dog whistles they blow.” The law also would state that “even brillo haired fuckwits deserve basic human dignity, no matter how much he tries to deny it to others.” As soon as Booker and Harris brought the bill to the Senate floor, however, they immediately began a filibuster of it.
“Now, before my esteemed, if not stupid as fuck, colleague from the allegedly great State of Kentucky accepts this honor,” Harris said, “Senator Booker and I have agreed to read a list of names. Sure, we could read a list of all the people of color who have been lynched, but instead, we’re going to read a list of all the people who think Rand Paul is a racist asshole on the payroll of Vladimir Putin. You may want to get comfortable, we’re going to go ZIP code by ZIP code.”
Reportedly, Sen. Paul is outraged by this stunt, and has mulling over calling in a favor from a well-connected friend to “send a message” to Booker and Harris.
“Senator Paul has contacted President Putin and asked him to tell President Trump to attack the Democrat senators who would dare besmirch him,” Sen. Paul’s spokeswhitenationalist told reporters today. “Whether that means a tactical nuke strike on California, or sending in the army to invade New Jersey is still up in the air, of course. But we’re sure whatever Putin comes up with to tell the president to do, will send a message to these two impudent fools not to insult one of Comrade Putin’s most loyal American lapdogs.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.