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Monday, June 5, 2023

Brett Kavanaugh Turns In List of Civil Rights He Doesn’t Acknowledge to Mitch McConnell

WASHINGTON, D.C. — D.C. appeals judge Brett Kavanaugh was formally introduced as President Trump’s pick to replace outgoing Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy this week during a ceremony at the White House. Mr. Kavanaugh was seen at the rotunda early this morning handing in a packet of paperwork to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.

Reporters caught up with McConnell as he headed into a meeting with energy company CEOs to discuss potentially fracking or drilling in the Grand Canyon, and asked him about what Kavanaugh had given him.

“Oh, that? It was just a list of the various civil rights and liberties that Brett doesn’t believe in and won’t recognize,” McConnell told reporters. “You know, like a brown person’s rights being equal to a real American’s, and such. You understand.”

McConnell explained that for years conservatives have understood that the courts have become “too free and easy with handing out civil rights to people” and that those decisions “have really hurt our religious zealot base’s fee fees something fierce.” That’s why everyone is so excited to have a strong conservative candidate, McConnell said, to keep the opinions coming out of the court “firmly rooted in the century our great government was founded.”

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“We conservatives get that progress is good, but only so much progress, namely, progress that happened before the 19th century,” McConnell said. “So uppity urbans and women folk thinking they have a right to a voice in their government is, well, silly. Just plain silly. Judge Kavanaugh knows that, and it’ll be my pleasure to vote to confirm a man who will ensure the spirit of the Three Fifths Compromise is followed, if not the letter of it.”

In addition to the civil rights of minorities, McConnell says Kavanaugh will also ignore certain other liberties and freedoms that some may have believed were inalienable.

“First of all, nothing we call a right, or American for that matter, should have the word alien in it. Sounds too much like illegal alien, which reminds Republicans of illegal Mexicans, which triggers us,” McConnell said, “and we need a safe space for our outdated, obsolete, regressive ideas to foment. Just because Brett uses his belief in God to pretend trans people have no rights, that doesn’t make him a bad choice, does it? Does not a judge have a right to use his religion as a basis for all his decisions in this country that values freedom of and from religion, I ask of you?”

This story is developing.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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