WASHINGTON, D.C. — Within hours of his confirmation to the Supreme Court of the United States — by the thinnest margin in roughly 80 years — Justice Brett Cavanaugh was officially sworn in. However, today there will be an official ceremony, and the party afterward is being sponsored by American brewer Budweiser.
“Budweiser is pleased to partner with the White House for Kavanaugh’s Konfirmation Kegger,” a spokesperson for Budweiser told the media today. “Obviously there is no one in America who likes beer more than Brett. He made that probably a little too clear during his confirmation process, but Budweiser couldn’t pass up such a great cross-promotional opportunity like this one.”
There will be at least 40 kegs of various Budweiser beers on hand for the celebration, the spokesperson said.
“And we’ll make sure there’s some beer there for Brett’s guests too,” the Budweiser rep explained. “We’ve been told that PJ and Squi will handle ‘calling the bitches’ up because we’re told that Justice Bart O’Kavanaugh can’t really have a good time at a kegger unless there’s a lady or two to molest. We want his lifelong tenure on the court to start off on the right, rapey foot, and we’re sure a lot of Americans share that sentiment with us.”
Some invited guests for the Kavanaugh Konfirmation Kegger are:
- Ann Coulter
- Tabasco Lahren
- Frau LoLo Ingraham
- Sean Hannity
- The Burning Cross President’ Trump’s Mother Conceived Him With
- Richard Spencer
- Alex Jones via Skype from an undisclosed bunker
- A Jar of Hitler’s Ashes
- A bag of orange diarrhea referred to as “President Donald Trump”
This is a developing story.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.