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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Burnett and Trump Teaming Up Again on “The Apprentice: Outhouse”

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — Before he was the most powerful man in the free world, President Donald Trump was a reality-TV star. 

Some might find it shocking and quite surprising that none of the preceding 44 men to hold the office were on reality-TV shows, however historians have confirmed it a handful of times. There is some debate as to whether President James K. Polk’s short-lived one man show, “Polkin’ Me, Polk and You,” would qualify, but since it was before the invention of television, the show wouldn’t have aired on any networks or stations, and so Trump is indeed the first — and only — former reality TV star to somehow end up being given the nuclear launch codes. However, Snooky and JWOW were once allowed to scramble the air defense forces of the nation at a TGI Friday’s opening in the nation’s capital, once back in the early 2000’s.

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Some have argued that Trump himself isn’t the first reality-TV star president because nothing about “The Apprentice” represented anything close to reality. Trump was positioned as a genius businessman with a proven track record of almost guaranteed success, when in point of fact he’s manage to mostly lost a ton of money in every decade of his life. Some have wondered if part of the reason he doesn’t want his tax records made public is that they could expose just how much — or little — money he actually has. 

Whether or not the premise of “The Apprentice” was completely steeped in reality, it was popular enough to stay on the air for a handful of seasons. Before becoming president, one could make a convincing argument it was the pinnacle of Trump’s fame and wealth. That might explain why the rumors are circulating that he and the show’s producer, Mark Burnett, have been trading ideas back and forth about how to bring the show back, when and if Trump exits the Oval Office.

While the exact details of any detail wouldn’t be wrapped up until much later, there are several people close to the Trumps who have begun to leak proposals to the press. Most of the ideas revolve around Mr. Trump’s family, as well as members of his cabinet and administration, competing for some kind of prize, adjudicated by none other than Trump himself. While the name “The Apprentice: White House” was considered for a short time, those in the know are telling us another name is picking up steam.

“White House was good because it evokes the job he’s been pretending to do for the last two years,” one White House aide told us., “but the president thought some people might be confused if they tuned in and found Ben Carson or one of the other black person that likes him was on the show. The president knows how important white representation is to his base, so he didn’t want to disappoint them. That’s why, after he thought long and hard about it, he threw out the name, ‘The Apprentice: Outhouse,’ and it’s really picking up steam around here, especially in our Cleveland office. A real Cleveland steam…picker-upper, as we like to say around here.”

As proposed, The Apprentice: Outhouse would follow the adventures of the Trump family as they exit the White House and restart their careers in the private sector. Because so many people already associate the Trump name with toilets and plumbing related gasses and liquids, all parties involved thought there was a great opportunity for brand synergy they could take advantage of.

“What do most people think of when they hear the name Trump? Shit. One way or another,” one TV executive told us, “they think of shit when they hear Trump. So yeah, I think it’s a pretty genius stroke for them to use that name.”

Others think using the word “outhouse” in the name is wise because it’ll make the show instantly relatable to the president’s base.

“Most of those chucklefucks don’t even have indoor plumbing and have to take a shower when they’re at their girlfriend’s place,” another executive told us, “and a lot of times their cousin is too worried about the water bill to let them take a long shower or shit in the indoor toilet. Pretty smart to show them how much you get them, just with the title of the show.”

Other names were considered. Some wonder if Trump’s potential for winding up in legal jeopardy after he leaves the protections of the presidency behind should have played a role in naming any potentially new shows.

“We thought about naming the show ‘The Apprentice: Big House,’ but poor Eric thought that meant he was getting to go and live in an even bigger mansion,” one source close to Burnett divulged to us.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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