49 F
Los Angeles
Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Mexico Offers to Pay to Send Ted Cruz Back to Canada

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — While residents of his home state of Texas struggle to keep warm among a crisis of energy production and climate change, Senator Ted Cruz (Q-TX) took himself and his family out of the United States, down to Cancun, Mexico last night.  This morning, the Mexican government sent an urgent communique to the people of Texas, and also to the United States Senate. The Mexican government offered to foot the bill and send Cruz back, but not to Texas, or even to Washington D.C.

Mexico offered to pay to send Cruz back to where he was born.

MORE: McConnell Blames OJ For His Ex-Wife’s Multiple Stab Wounds, Says He’s Would Have Voted Not Guilty

“Senator Cruz was born in Calgary, Canada. While most decent human beings don’t care where someone was born,” Mexico’s letter states, “people like Teddy surely do. And people who vote for him apparently really care about such things. Therefore, we believe we’d be helping both Ted and his base align themselves more fully with their own, stated ideological beliefs, if we pay to send him back to Canada.”

Within moments of receiving Mexico’s offer, both the State of Texas and the U.S. Senate quickly agreed to the terms of the proposal. However, just as quickly as that happened, a wrench was thrown into the mix. Canada sent back its own urgent communique.

“Esteemed friends and neighbors,” Canada’s own letter reads, “NO! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THIS IS HOLY, NO! We don’t want him! You can keep him. If we didn’t want him before, what makes anyone think we’d want him now? We don’t, typically, as a rule, import diarrhea into Canada.”

Reached for comment, Cruz offered no apologies for flying to Cancun in the middle of a pandemic and while many thousands of people in his home state were without power and heat.

“Fuck them. Super duper fuck them. Why would I start caring about them now,” Cruz asked rhetorically on Fox News. “I do what I want. Suck it, fucks.”

As of the time of publication, Mexico, the United States, and Canada had yet to determine where to dump Cruz. This story will be updated when and if that decision is made.

MORE: Ben Shapiro Announces That Scott Baio and Gina Carano Will Star in “Washed-Up Star Wars”

 

Like what you read? Consider signing up for my free newsletter, becoming a paid Facebook subscriber, or signing up for my Patreon.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Latest news
Related news

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Science/Tech

Editorial

Popular categories

Archive