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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Cannabis Overdoses Multiplied By Over 1,000,000% in 2018

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Institute of Drug Policy and Research teamed up with the American Academy of Medicine and conducted a yearlong study of marijuana overdoses last year. The results of the study were published this week in the Olde Scottish Journal of Medical Knowledge, and they might be quite alarming to some.

“Last year, we surveyed over 3,000 hospitals throughout the country, and asked them to provide the numbers of patients who were treated for marijuana overdose,” Dr. Helen McWilliams of the NIDPR’s media response team told reporters this morning, “as well as any who may have died as a result of complications from those overdoses. The results are quite stunning.”

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McWilliams said that last year there was a 1,000,000% multiplication of cannabis overdoses.

“In the past twelve months, the number of reported marijuana overdoses and resulting deaths skyrocketed by a magnitude of 1,000,000%,” Dr. McWilliams said. “That means as a nation, we saw an enormous, unprecedented surge of marijuana overdoses that increased by more than a million percent over last year’s total.”

State by state, efforts have been made to decriminalize marijuana bot medicinally and recreationally. However, there has been pushback from some conservatives. Dr. McWilliams said her job isn’t to get into the “political stuff,” but instead simply to “communicate the data.”

“And the data shows that there were one million percent more marijuana overdoses last year than the previous year,” McWilliams explained, “and we simply could not consider ourselves professionals while not making the public aware of our findings.”

Dr. McWilliams tried to add even more context to the report.

“Two years ago, a certain number of people overdosed on pot,” McWilliams began, “and then, last year, that number multiplied by 1,000,000%.”

According to Dr. McWilliams, however, there is probably “not much need for alarm or concern at this time,” even with her report showing such a dramatic spike in cannabis overdoses.

“At first, when my staff communicated the findings to me, I was shocked, horrified, and extremely concerned for the future of our country,” McWilliams said, “but then they confirmed for me that any number multiplied by zero is still zero. So if you’ll excuse me now, we’re having a staff movie party, and since we’re watching Fantasia, it’s a great time for me to go smoke a bowl of some super dank shit. Toodles!”

If you or someone you know has cannabis, marijuana, pot, or weed: Please share with all of us. It’s getting crazier by the second out there.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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