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Monday, June 5, 2023

CDC Adds “Giant Orange Douchebag,” “GFY,” and “No” To Their Official Lexicon

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This weekend, word broke that the Health and Human Services department under the direction of the Donald Trump presidential administration ordered the Centers for Disease Control to stop using seven words in any documentation that pertains to budgeting issues.

The words are: “evidence-based,” “science-based,” “entitlement,” “vulnerable,” “diversity,” “transgender,” and “fetus,” the Post reported. (ABC)

The Trump administration being one made of more conservatives than not, the general feeling on the Hill was that the HHS directive was meant as push back against a more progressive agenda from the previous administration. Eliminating terms like “evidence-based” or “science-based” appear to be concessions to the Religious Right and others who deny the impact or even existence of anthropogenic climate change. Though HHS has denied their directive, several outlets have picked up the reporting done by The Washington Post.

This morning, the CDC issued a statement, saying that rather than remove words from their department’s official lexicon, they will be adding a few terms, instead.

“The Centers for Disease Control have given due consideration to the directive issued by the Health and Human Services department, and after that careful consideration we have decided to decline to comply,” the statement reads. “We are doctors and scientists here at the CDC, and climate change can and will have impacts on the work we do here. Telling us not to use science-based terms seems a bit to us like an entitlement complex that the administration has, and in the interest of diversity of thought, we will continue to use these terms so as not to leave our country and indeed the world vulnerable to outbreak.”

ALSO: Trump Orders Another K Added To Hanukkah To “Make Jew Christmas Great Again”

The CDC said that in addition to continuing to use the words banned by HHS, they are now entering three more terms into their department’s vocabulary.

“At this time we are also going to be adding the following terms to our official department lexicon: giant orange douchebag, GFY, and no,” the CDC wrote. “Allow us to use them in a sentence for you all, if you please. No, and GFY, you giant orange douchebag.”

The White House could not be reached for comment. However, reportedly the sounds of screaming were heard coming from the bathroom, and an unsecured, 10 year old Blackberry was seen flying through a window and out onto the front lawn.

This story is developing.

You can read more satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

More satire:

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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