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Thursday, June 1, 2023

CDC Studying Effect of Presidential Rage Tweets About Confessed Criminal Traitors on COVID-19

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Newly unsealed legal documents in the case against disgraced former Army General and presidential adviser Michael Flynn have folks in Trump World convinced he is the victim of a deep state plot. Others are questioning just how much a gripe Gen. Flynn has when he committed several illegal acts including lying to the FBI about being an unregistered foreign agent for Turkey and confessed to his crimes as he pled guilty in federal court. Whether in spite or despite all of that, President Donald Trump has spent a substantial amount of time in the last sixteen hours or so rage-tweeting about Flynn’s treatment at the hands of the FBI, which was under the direction of James Comey, who would later be fired by Trump.

This is just one of over a dozen tweets about Flynn’s case that Trump sent this morning.

While President Trump lashes out at what he feels is an injustice against Flynn, people are still getting sick — and dying — from COVID-19. The novel coronavirus has been ravaging the economy due to nearly every state issuing orders to their citizens to stay sheltered in their homes as long as they can, to minimize the spread of a disease that so far has been resistant to the breakthrough treatments Trump has suggested such as injecting disinfectant and/or UV light into patients diagnosed with COVID-19.

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Some have wondered if the president is wasting what he might believe are his mental faculties on a politically charged issue like Flynn while the nation is nowhere near out of the woods with the pandemic. Trump has been criticized mightily today for shifting focus to more campaign-style Democrat bashing — despite the fact that Comey was re-appointed by Trump himself and is a Republican — when the U.S. coronavirus death toll has just eclipsed 60,000 Americans. Perhaps no president has been as attuned to what his critics are saying about him as Trump is, however, and just moments ago, the CDC announced it was, under the direction of President Trump, beginning new clinical trials that could bolster his image and maybe even silence his critics.

“This morning, the CDC began clinical trials on the effectiveness of angry, spastic, verbal diarrhea-laden rage tweets about confessed, criminal traitors on the novel coronavirus,” CDC Junior Deputy Head of Research Dr. Sally Bethany told reporters. “We would have never, ever believed it was possible to treat a real, deadly disease with the unctuous ramblings of an obnoxious, spoiled, sweaty, stupid moron, but here we are. And, I guess, you never know.”

Dr. Bethany said that while the CDC is an independent agency, they still “look to officials and leaders” for guidance and direction. Bethany says the CDC doesn’t plan to expend a lot of time, energy, or money looking into whether angry tweets about someone who admitted their crimes will help fight COVID-19, but “when the president asks for something,” Bethany said, “you listen, and you react.”

“Let’s be honest, this is a hell of a lot better an idea than injecting Clorox,” Bethany said. “This is just stupid and baseless. Injecting disinfectants is stupid, baseless, and fatal. So, maybe we should take the small victories when the come.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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