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Saturday, September 30, 2023

CDC Recommends Americans Quarantine Themselves From President Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  The Centers for Disease Control issued new guidance this morning, urging Americans to quarantine themselves from a virus they say “is far more damaging, threatening, incestuous, racist, and stupid” than anything they’ve encountered before.

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“The sheer amount of mistrust, distrust, misinformation, and disinformation involved in the day to day operations of President Donald Trump poses a direct threat to American freedom, stability, and well being,” the CDC’s new guidelines state. “Trumpism is a cancer wrapped in a flu virus, and dipped in plague sprinkles. It is absolutely and utterly impossible for the American people to know how much, if anything, they can trust from this White House, because it is far more damaging, threatening, incestuous, racist, and stupid than any single threat the CDC has been tasked with facing in its existence.”

The CDC cited the current coronavirus outbreak threat as evidence that Americans would do well to heed their advice and quarantine themselves from Trump and what they call “Trumpism,.” It’s not just the president who is a danger to Americans, it’s his entire political brand and philosophy. Trumpism emboldens those who give into to it to “stare right at an eclipse” and “pretend anything that poses a real threat is a hoax.”

“Climate change, concern about coronavirus, and even constitutional investigations into his bad behavior have all be labeled hoaxes by the president,” the CDC writes. “Yet, all of them are very easily verifiable. All of them exist. Why the president insists on calling things hoaxes when they aren’t is anyone’s guess, but it seems to happen most often when he doesn’t want to deal with whatever it is he’s calling a hoax. In times like these, however, Americans should quarantine themselves from toxic, carcinogenic, egomaniacal rantings and ravings, and listen carefully to trained professionals who don’t have a stake in lying to you.”

There are some very simple precautions Americans can make that will keep them virtually isolated from Trump and Trumpism, the CDC advises.

“Turn off Fox News and leave any room where it’s playing, immediately,” the CDC urges. “That’s probably the best way to inoculate yourself against Trumpism. However, it’s also just as important to unfollow Trump on Twitter and Facebook. If any of your friends subscribe to Breitbart or InfoWars, consider never, ever talking to them again and/or leaving town to get as far away from them as possible. Trumpism, once it begins to spread, is a disease that even the best doctors can’t completely eradicate.”

If one is unable to completely quarantine themselves and is exposed to Trumpism despite their best efforts, the CDC has some suggestions for treatment.

“Go into a library and pick up a book. Read the book, and retain its information,” the CDC suggests. “Because Trumpists consider books to either be tools of the devil, the liberal mainstream media, and/or the government, they typically avoid them. Information is your friend in the Trump Era, but only information you can trust. In other words, not information given to you by the Trump administration. Other than that, some kind of hypnotherapy where your brain is trained to ignore anything Trump or his loyalists tell you would be a good course of treatment to pursue.”

Reportedly, the president has been briefed on the CDC’s new guidance and has convened a meeting of the joint chiefs of staff and his cabinet.

“The president is bigly concerned that the CDC has declared war against him and his MAGA, America First agenda,” White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham slurred, a martini in her hand, “and he wantsa maybe bomb their headquarters in retaliation, but he’s gonna weigh all his options. NOW GET OUTTA HERE!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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