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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Nation’s Famous, Elderly, Manipulative, Mentally Unstable Psychopath Cult Leader Inventories Cut In Half Overnight

COLUMBUS, CALIFORNIA  — Scientists at the National Warehouse of Things and Stuff are warning the country today that its stocks of famous, elderly, manipulative, mentally unstable psychopath cult leaders has been dramatically and unexpectedly slashed in half, and now just one remains. The NWTS issued a statement this morning, stating that Americans should be on high alert and watch for any signs of flagging health observed from its lone, remaining famous, elderly, manipulative, mentally unstable psychopath.

“With Mr. Manson gone, that leaves the United States in a precarious position with just one famous, elderly, manipulative, mentally unstable psychopath to carry the load,” Dr. Carol Susanavich of the NWTS told reporters this morning.

Susanavich says this could cause a short circuit or overload on the country’s crumbling famous, elderly, manipulative, mentally unstable psychopath infrastructure.

“Luckily, the one we have left is known to carry quite a heavy load in his shorts all day anyway, so we should be fine, but still, everyone should be cautious and just look for any signs we could deplete our famous, elderly, manipulative, mentally unstable psychopath stocks too soon.”

On Sunday, convicted cult leader Charles Manson died in a Kern County hospital. Manson was 83 years old, and died of natural causes, having spent the last four decades of his life in California’s Corcoran State Prison, a maximum security facility. Manson was convicted in 1971 of First Degree murder for his role in inspiring, planning, and commanding his cult followers to murder Abigail Ann Folger, Wojciech Frykowski, Steven Earl Parent, a pregnant Sharon Tate Polanski, Jay Sebring, Leno La Bianca and Rosemary La Bianca in the Hollywood hills.

Dr. Susanavich and hear colleagues noted that in years past, losing half the nation’s inventory of famous, elderly, manipulative, mentally unstable psychopaths wouldn’t have been too much a concern. However, ever since this past January, the importance of famous, elderly, manipulative, mentally unstable psychopaths, and the role they play in shaping American foreign and domestic policies has come into sharp, clear focus, Susanavich and the NWTS believe.

“Prior to January 20th, 2017, the supply of  famous, elderly, manipulative, mentally unstable psychopaths in this country didn’t really matter all that much,” Dr. Susanovich told reporters, “but now that one is literally directing federal agencies and potentially has the ability to start a nuclear war? It’s matters bigly, so to speak.”

Upon hearing the news that American stocks of famous, elderly, manipulative, mentally unstable psychopaths had dwindled by half overnight, cards of sympathy and condolences started pouring into the White House, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed this morning.

“A lot of world leaders woke up and assumed it was one  famous, elderly, manipulative, mentally unstable psychopath who had died, and not the other,” Huckabee said. “But who can blame them, you had a 50/50 chance of guessing right. There were a lot of people on the Trump train that were very nervous that it had lost its conductor because of the news, but they’re all very relieved Dear Leader is alive and well, tweeting his tiny fingers to their little nubby bones.”

Charles Manson was 83 years old.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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