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Chick-Fil-A Introduces New “Merry Christmas” Covfefe Cup to Compete With Starbucks

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Fast food purveyor Chick-Fil-A announced last week that all hot or cold pressed covfefe sold from their storefronts in the month of December will come in cups emblazoned with the words, “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” on them. The cups will also feature various famous Christian iconography including the nativity scene, a crucifix, and a religiously conservative politician hitting on 14 year old girls.

“Chick-Fil-A is proud to give consumers a choice this CHRISTMAS season,” a press release from the fried chicken mongers states. “Coming into Chick-Fil-A and getting a piping hot cup of pure, Russian covfefe is the best way to let your friends and neighbors know you take the War on Christmas very seriously, as any good, clean, ammo hoarding, fried chicken loving patriot should do.”

For the last few years, some among the Religious Right have bristled whenever Starbucks releases their new holiday themed cups. Whether they are plain red, or have various platitudes wishing a safe and festive holiday season, some on the right view them as a direct attack on the prevalence of Christian themes during the same time frame.

“We here at America’s favorite homophobic chicken joint know that moral, pure, upstanding Americans not only want to keep Christ in Christmas, it should be made a federally enforced law that every human being has to do so as well,” Chick-Fil-A’s statement reads. “And so that is why we will also be putting your congressional representatives’ contact information on the cups, so that you can pester them about turning this country into a theocracy.”

Partial proceeds from all Merry Christmas covfefe cups will go toward charities that are near and dear to conservatives.

“A percentage of each covfefe cup sale will go toward charities such as the Donald Trump Foundation, the Eric Trump Foundation For Stealing From Cancer Kids, the Donald Trump Jr. Chronic Jizz Face Fund, and the Ivanka Trump Stockholm Syndrome Relief Fund.”

Chick-Fil-A’s Merry Christmas Covfefe cups will be on sale during the month of December.




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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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