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Monday, June 5, 2023

Christian Baker Refuses To Sell Wedding Cakes To ‘Fake Christian Bigots’

STAG HORN, COLORADO — While the case of a fellow Colorado baker was argued before the Supreme Court, Todd Marin was going about his usual day at his own bakery. Todd is a devout and proud Christian, and he has voted for both Democrats and Republicans in the past, choosing candidates who most reflect his values, regardless of their party affiliation, which he admits many of his friends think is a mistake.

“What can I say, I guess I’m just one of those guys who doesn’t get swayed by mob-think,” Todd says. “And I know that doesn’t make me sound very American to some people.”

As a Christian baker from the same state that Jack Phillips hails from, Mr. Marin has been interviewed dozens of times by various media outlets. Many reporters, Todd says, showed up to his bakery and presumed he’d side with Mr. Phillips. That, however, is far from reality.

“I know this may not sound very Christian of me,” Todd told us, “but fuck that guy. Honestly. He’s the kind of Christian that gives genuine Christians a bad name. Call me crazy, but as a Christian, I try to live my life in Christ’s way, not the way some buttoned-up, probably racist, definitely judgmental jerk-wad tells me to.”

Todd’s disdain for the practices of people like Phillips comes from his belief that Jesus Christ’s message was about “universal love for all” and “not being judgmental and shitty to people.” He says that in his view, were Christ alive today, he’d enter Phillips’ shop and overturn his cash register like the Biblical tale of when he attacked money changers in the temples.

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“These people worship the almighty dollar more than they understand the almighty Jesus,” Marin told us. “They’re fake Christian bigots, and they have no place in my shop. I won’t bake a cake for any of them.”

Marin says that he has a form he asks prospective wedding cake customers to fill out. On the form, he asks them if they think “public businesses that use public roads and services” have a right to discriminate against the public for things not in their control. The form drills down on that question and breaks out African Americans, Hispanics, and members of the LGBTQ community. The form also asks if they consider themselves Christian or not.

“Funnily enough, I’ve noticed if they say they’re Christian, and that businesses shouldn’t be allowed to discriminate against black people or Mexicans,” Todd told us, “They’ll still turnaround and say discriminating against gay people is A-OK with them, which it may be. But I follow Christ’s real teachings, and it’s not cool with me, at all.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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